Holding On...

2010-12-15T11:49:00.001-08:00

new blog site: gutterfloating.blogspot.com

He knows.

2010-04-07T07:15:00.001-07:00

well, here i go again. another attempt at returning to the blogging world. i'm not sure how much i have to say. oh, i have much to say. and a longing to say it - to work through it. but for personal reasons, i am not able to put it all out here in print and work through it for healing and understanding. i am fortunate, though, to realize that God knows my struggles and my heart and He listens to words unspoken or unwritten.

2009-04-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

successful visit to the dentist for liam. 3rd birthday party for ellaiden in april.

it's not all in vain...

2009-03-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

i got permission from a friend to post this poem - written by a grandfather who's beautiful three-year-old granddaughter drowned a year ago (sumijoti.wordpress.com). it touched my heart. i KNOW it will touch yours. please keep this precious family in your prayers.

A year has passed, a year of pain

Is it all in vain?

Jenna’s limp and lifeless body on my lap

I kissed her forehead and gave her back.

Jesus, why allow this to be?

Tonight he revealed this to me:

“The pain you feel is what you share of

My life I gave for you and her.”

Lord, let it be.

I am content in Thee.

Leon 23 March 2009. 00h25

not one minute to spare.....

2009-03-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

and then....the horrible plane crash in montana. a man and woman lost 2 of their 3 daughters, 2 son-in-laws and 5 grandchildren. i can't imagine.

natasha richardson.....a freak ski accident. natasha richardson's sons and husband never imagined that she would snap on her skis to play on the slopes, admitting that she hated skiing but did it to be with family, and by the end of the day her voice would be silenced.

in a minute things that are so right can go so wrong. we should not take one minute for granted.

our grown son says he is having a hard time remembering his grandfather's voice. our son was 6 when his grandfather died. he didn't have a lot of years to mentally record that soft, gentle voice. it saddens me when family or friends are estranged. for if you don't spend the time that you have HEARING the voices of your family members, you will quickly forget what they sound like when they are gone.

maybe that is what our relationship should look like with God. if we don't spend time with Him - as much time as we can - we will begin to forget what He 'sounds' like and there will come a time when we will no longer "hear' His voice. and we will have a hard time remembering His voice.

fleeting....

2009-03-23T15:10:00.001-07:00

does a mother's heart ever stop hurting for her children? it seems not. i am thinking so much of alyssa these days. it seems that so many of her friends who have experienced the loss of a baby are pregnant and happily, if not a little fearfully, looking forward to welcoming a new addition to their families. they have had showers and decorated nurseries and ordered birth announcements - grateful that these pregnancies have gone forth without a hitch - without a negative test result or the devastating, unsuspecting words from their doctors that something is terribly wrong. they have held their breath and then gradually allowed themselves to hope and believe and embrace that which was so fleeting a year or two years or perhaps several months ago.

for alyssa it will be so different. there will be no ultrasound or doctor's appointment after which she will breathe a sigh of relief. for all of her doctor's visits were normal. every examination, every 3-D picture indicated a healthy, beautiful baby who was growing and thriving right on schedule, nestled safely within her womb. even up until the last night when alyssa handed out invitations to her baby shower at her bible study, sydney was active and kicking - a healthy 8 month fetus. the doctors examination and ultrasound of only 48 hours earlier detected no problems - only a beautiful baby who looked just like her big brother.

so, if she is fortunate enough to become pregnant again, she will be as guarded and as anxious as all of her friends have been. but i think it will be hard for her to consider names or wall hangings or baby clothes - or perhaps even showers given by well-meaning friends. because even when things seem to be going absolutely right, things can go so very wrong so very quickly.

i don't know how she will do it. but if God gives her the chance, i know she will try. because her hope is not based on what she so desperately desires but on what He desires for her.

but i am.....

2009-03-09T14:21:00.000-07:00

fearfully and wonderfully made. the times i don't feel like i am, i KNOW i am :)

i am this amputee.....

2009-03-08T12:41:00.000-07:00

Letting go of adult children is hard yet necessary part of life
by CLARE MARIE CELANO

While struggling to craft a phrase that would accurately depict my relationship with my grown children, WI found what was searching for in lines delivered via my TV screen. Messages often come from the most unlikely venues. The lines were spoken by Sarah Jessica Parker in her role as "Carrie" on "Sex in the City." Carrie is trying to describe how she feels about her friend Samantha, who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer, to her lover "Aleksandr" (aka Mikhail Baryshnikov), but Aleksandr is not getting it. Finally, she looks directly at him and with raw emotion, says, "She's my insides. That's how important she is to me." Her response is untamed, visceral and absolute.

"That's it," I thought. "My kids are my insides." My heart melted and I recalled how it felt when they literally were my insides, growing within me, their presence, no less significant than every other cell in my body. Like a soothing balm, I remembered the comfort of knowing their little bodies were safely and cozily tucked inside me - all the time. Many years have passed since I've felt that "literal" comfort, and still my kids remain my "insides."

It's hard for my children to grasp this concept - that they are still an integral part of my being. In their heads, they are fully grown and no longer require tending to. And logically this is essentially true. They don't need watching. But parenting is never logical. It is an emotionally driven experience that does not often respond well to pragmatism. So, if my kids are my insides, then it stands to reason that they are entwined within the cells of my mind, the emotions of my heart, and the longing of my soul - even if they have left their first "home," so to speak. This connection, while relatively easy to nurture and foster when kids are young and a part of our 24/7, becomes more difficult as they grow. Much like a marriage, the bonding between two souls flourishes when they are in close proximity but can easily wane and falter when faced with long absences. It's at this point that we need diplomacy, moxie and finesse to keep the strands of that bond sliding alongside one another in sync.

As our kids become adults, I think we go through a kind of inner power struggle between the control we once had and the lack of it now. With that control, however, came the responsibility to meet all their physical, emotional and spiritual needs. It's tough to accept that we're no longer responsible for those needs. But how could it be otherwise? Their needs and the power of our touch linked us to one another for years. Watching our kids grow away from us is like losing an appendage. Feeling the loss of control we once had, we search for some steady ground to plant ourselves on until the chaotic dust settles and we can let go of it all. We know intellectually we're no longer responsible for the events that happen in our kids' lives. But, just like an amputee, who knows his or her appendage is no longer there but feels the pain of the limb anyhow, as parents, we can't seem to let go of the desire to want to do it all. We have a hard time letting go of our kids. When discussing this subject with a friend, he shined a light on what my heart was feeling, but my head could not seem to put into words. "You're not letting go of the child," he said, "you're letting go of the responsibility and guilt. "We make deals," he continued. "We bargain. We ask to take on any pain ourselves, rather than have our kids take it." He's right, of course.

We bargain with God, fate, or whatever forces we feel are responsible for giving our children anything less than complete happiness. And then, after years of attempts at deal-making, it dawns on us that we cannot alter the course of our children's lives, and even if we could, we can't win this hand on the table - it's not our hand. It's theirs. It belongs to the children. I think it take a few decades as an adult to be able to see this.

Eventually though, we discover the emotional acceptance of a situation we can do nothing about, and this shift keeps us sane. This acceptance relieves the phantom pain - somewhat. I still feel their emotional pain, but rather than spend hours on end trying to figure out how to take that pain away, I use my time more judiciously, praying they'll figure out the root of it and learn to ease it themselves. I still feel their fear, as much as ever, but rather than struggle with the "why" of their fears, I pray they'll eventually learn to confront whatever goes bump in their nights, just as I've had to do.

Letting go of certain facets of our lives, although difficult, is like completing a chapter in a book. Moving along life's pages is our gift. If we get stuck ruminating in one chapter, no matter how incredible it is, we break the rhythm of the rest of the story.

i'm going to be honest here....

2009-03-08T11:29:00.000-07:00

....i don't feel fearfully and wonderfully made.

poem by michael manes

2009-03-08T10:14:00.001-07:00

Ceramic Mug

01.28.2009

fresh masking tape
on blue wet paint
falling to the floor
and I do not think
I can hold together
anymore

poem by michael manes

2009-03-08T10:12:00.000-07:00

S i x

01.01.2009

O God of strength
my God of weight
have mercy
on me
i’m about to break
and bear lightly
upon my soul
for just a little
is far too great
mercy, O, God of love
have mercy
on me

i miss them....

2009-03-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

HE writes the songs.....

2009-01-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

so, if you look at alyssa's blog (and who reads mine that doesn't read hers as well:)) you will see that her community of friends has been blessed with a new arrival. if only for a short time, this baby will bless rachel and her family as well as their extended church family.

the first thoughts that came to mind when alyssa shared this news with me were wonder, amazement, faithfulness. alyssa writes much more eloquently from a spiritual standpoint than i ever could. and i know that God has used her and her words to help others. it has been and continues to be a long road for her and ian. she emailed me one day and was at a very low point; she realized that all 5 of the women with whom she has developed a relationship with through internet blogs - women who have all lost babies in the last year and a half - are pregnant. while she harbors not one ounce of resentment, bitterness or jealousy, she still doesn't understand why she still waits. you might think it silly to call an internet friend a 'relational' friend but these young, christian women have bonded in ways that you and i could never understand. having never physically met, they have cried together, laughed together and appreciated the depths of feelings that comes from such loss.

i had begun to read several of their blogs months before alyssa's loss; i found one through a friend and that one led to another and that one to another. i had absolutely no idea that some day, alyssa would have the same experience and under no circumstances would i ever have guessed that she would become friends with these women because of my urging her to read their blogs. as i read their blogs now, it is apparent that the losses they've experienced are still raw but the tone of their blogs is happier, more hopeful and less "dark". i so want that for alyssa.

but as is alyssa's way, she picks herself up and keeps on - obedient, faithful and hopeful. the miscarriage she experienced in november was unexpected - she had never had a miscarriage. even more difficult to accept was the fact that her 2 best friends also experienced miscarriages the same month. it seemed that the three girls who walked together, prayed together, had playdates together and went to church together would go through miscarriage - together. in some way it was comforting to be going through yet another loss - not alone.

when matt came unexpectedly into rachel and stefan's lives, it was obvious that they would welcome help in the way of prayer support, babysitting and just general emotional support. accepting guardianship of a terminally ill baby requires a compassionate, merciful heart, to say nothing of time and energy. and rachel has 2 older children who are around 3 and 5 years old.

God certainly orchestrates our lives in ways we could never imagine or predict. He is the conductor and we are called to play the tune HE chooses under HIS circumstances. I know the hearts of my daughter and Amy and am coming to know Rachel's heart. I view these three young women - whose wombs held the promise of 3 sweet lives for just a few weeks but are now empty - as God's hands and feet and hearts to take care of 'the least of these'. together they grieved the loss of their pregnancies not imagining how God would fill their lives with something even more amazing just a few weeks later.

i can see amy the photographer bustling over matt to get just the right picture for keepsake albums; i can see alyssa the creative decorator making sure that he has precious little boy bedding and a hand-made frame with his new born picture it to place amonth the family photos. i can see rachel rocking matt at night and talking to her children about the plan Jesus had for Matt all along. i can see all three at lunch while the children play outside, hovering over Matt, showing him Christ's unconditional love and blessing his short time here in their midst.

man, we can't ever figure out God, can we? we can study and pray and learn more and more about His nature and we can continue to ask questions that have no answers. and then He surprises us with a song so unique and original that it silences us.

no, not a song...a symphony!

2009-01-09T18:59:00.000-08:00

i'm going to post something soon. really.

..........

2008-12-14T06:04:00.001-08:00

i cried for sydney grace today......

"losing your life" (from the o'brien family)

2008-12-02T20:35:00.001-08:00

read these words of a woman who lost a newbornbaby last year. she counseled ANOTHER grieving mother: "Your son has given you an incredible gift," I told this grieving mom. "He has given you the gift of being forced to reconsider the very purpose of your life. Those who are sailing through a comfortable life at this point have not yet been forced to carefully consider their lives and surrender their dreams. But because you have been shaken to the core, you see clearly that if you cling to your own plans and desires, you will never discover freedom and joy found in losing your life for Jesus."

now go to her blog and read the november 14th post. it is uplifting!

http://obrienfamily2008.blogspot.com/

testing 1.2.3.....

2008-12-01T16:47:00.000-08:00

hope in Him. not in circumstances..............

hope differently.............................................

hope differently.....

2008-12-01T05:26:00.001-08:00

kind of ironic. but not so. my turn to teach yesterday. the lesson was about....hope. hmm....

so the angel comes to mary and tells her she is pregnant with the messiah. we talked about engagements and weddings. all the planning and scheduling. the jewish traditions in biblical times. i even brought my engagement notice that was in the local newspaper 37 years ago - complete with 70's poofy hair-flip. we all agreed that mary's life took an unexpected turn. was she giddy with excitement - jumping for joy? did people come up and high-five her and slap her on the back and say "so, YOU'RE the one pregnant with the messiah? way to go, mary!". hardly.

and what was mary's response? "i'm your servant, Lord."

even though mary's plans changed drastically - even though everything about her life and the direction it was going to take was completely out of her control - her response was "i'm your servant, Lord". basically, the lesson was about mary exchanging her hopes and expectations for hope in HIM. i asked the students if they had had disappointing christmases - christmases when their hopes and expectations were not met. i expected and got a couple of typical responses. "i ran downstairs and saw a bicycle and was so excited until i was told it wasn't for me but for my sister" or "i desperately wanted a motorized pink barbie car but my mom told me it wouldn't fit down the chimney. then i went outside and the little girl who lived next door had a barbie car that fit down HER chimney!"

but the first response came from a young lady who, in a strong voice, told us that one christmas a few years back she found out on christmas day that her father, who lived in another state, had died 2 days before. her mother had kept it from her and her sister but when they begged to call him after opening presents, their mom broke the news to them. talk about unmet expectations.

i thought about some of my own 'barbie cars" and "bicycles". my hopes had always been that our adult children would live in the same town and grandchildren would have weekly sleepovers at our house and go to the same church and can you say "goodnight, johnboy"? my expectations recently had been that my adult children would continue to be interested in any little jewel of conversation i would toss out, that they would desperately covet the opportunity to view MY travel pictures, and that they would continue to revel in late-night talks about sports, politics and just life in general. after keeping our one and two-year-old granddaughters during this thanksgiving i came to the sudden realization that THEIR focus could not/should not be ME! imagine! they are tired, but happy, and parenting and working requires all the energy and attention that they can muster 24/7.

so, as the lesson progressed and i glanced at the clock to make sure we finshed up in a timely manner, i casually called attention to the calendar date and the fact that it was the one year anniversary of.......

the students sat silently, waiting, curious as my voice shook and my eyes watered. not planned. totally caught off-guard. this new group of students WAS not aware of the last year's struggles and, while i didn't want to belabor our own situation, i thought it was relevant enough to touch on. i told the story briefly and then, with a passion i have never recognized, i pounded my fist on the podium and in a strong voice asked the students if they were ready to "exchange" any hope they had in their life for hope in HIM. exchanging hope for a desired christmas present paled in comparison to exchanging hope for healing cancer in a parent, hope for a call from an estranged father or even hope for an uneventful pregnancy, a safe delivery and a healthy baby. hope in something/Someone BIGGER rather than hope in their circumstances.

the curriculum itself spelled out the main points. pertinent scripture was assigned and read by willing students. i researched and contributed relevant information about biblical jewish customs and traditions. and i was in awe throughout the sunday school hour that God knew that i would be teaching this lesson on this particular sunday even after a tiring week with babies and a melancholy goodbye early that very morning as my son and his family backed out of the driveway and headed home.

i had so hoped to be with alyssa on this particular day. but it didn't work out that way. God.

after the sunday school hour, in "big church" as i knealt at the altar as close to the LOUD, powerful worship music as i could get and prayed for alyssa and the students in my class i got it. i taught it and i got it.

exchange your hopes for hopes in Him. hope differently.

some things change....a repeat post....

2008-10-23T19:38:00.000-07:00

i haven't written in a while. it's been hard. i've come to my blog often in the last month. i think about things i want to say and then just put it away for another day. i don't know how to put it all into words. i read other blogs; not as often as before. just an occasional check-in. lives are changing. good things and not so good things. life goes on.

one thing i notice is that most of the comments on these blogs are from friends - not grandmothers or mother-in-laws or mothers. i wonder if these family members share their thoughts and offer encouragement through emails or chatty phone calls. i wonder if they are successful in being a rock - a constant source of strength - for their son or daughter or grandchild who is wading through a crisis. or do they find themselves speechless. silently prayerful but lacking words to offer?

our church is doing a program called "40 days of prayer". my "fast" during this time is from the radio in my car. it is amazing that the minute i get in the car to go to work or climb in the car to come home after work the first thing i do is reach for the radio power button. i've been driving in silence. and i begin to pray. i pray for friends and friends of friends but my thoughts always wander back to my daughter. it is a sad confession on my part that i believe the radio and television and internet has protected me from dwelling on her situation and from thinking about her as often as i might.

the doctors say it is okay for them to try again. he says the outcome might be the same as it was with sydney grace. he "says" he can take care of her but they must be prepared for the possibility of another abruption and loss. i can't allow myself to think about what might be so i try not to think at all. i worry about her health and safety - i worry about that GREATLY. i worry about her mental state if she looses another baby. and i find that when these thoughts enter my mind, i just try so very hard to block them out.

i read her blog and love the life she has with her friends and church family. she is truly blessed. liam has a world full of close little friends with whom he shares birthdays, holidays, traditions and happy times. so i can't quite understand why it makes me a little sad unless it is that i miss her and him and being able to share those things and that life.

as our pastor preaches about prayer he reminds us that we are to pray TO the Father, IN the name of His Son, and with the GUIDANCE of the Holy Spirit. i am trying to understand why we aren't to view God as a prosperity Father - one who simply gives us what we ask for even though He says to ask and he will give. i don't want to pray in MY name for what I want - our pastor says we often do just that. if i were to do that this is what MY prayer would look like:

please let my daughter get pregnant again and have an uneventful pregnancy. i might even ask that she NOT have gestational diabetes and NOT have gestational hypertension and NOT have an abruption. i would ask for an easy delivery and a healthy baby. (i might even ask for a girl although sydney grace was the first girl in the byrd family in 60 years- is that really correct?). oh, and while you're at it, make their financial situation stress-free and stable as well.

so, in praying for those things, i am praying for what I WANT and in MY name. it is SO hard for me to pray for God's will to be done. because i can't understand why His will should be so different than mine. after all, the things I WANT for her aren't bad things, right? when our kids were driving back and forth from college i prayed mightily for their safety while on the highway. and lo and behold! they ALWAYS made it safely home! just because of my prayers! wow, certainly was making myself BIGGER than God, wasn't I? naive of me.

so i still struggle with prayer - and while i know God is always in our presence and that through prayer he wants us to be in HIS presence - i still have a hard time understanding prayer. why do i feel LESS protected? as i leave for bulgaria for 10 days, i am more fearful. my husband said at the prayer hour this morning the men were to pray for their wives. he emailed me today from work and said "so your trip is covered." sweet BUT....only if it is God's will.

the year anniversary is approaching for her. i know it will be difficult. i KNOW it will. it is so strange that as her mother, it is as if i am waiting for that phone call again. the call that a baby will be here shortly. then barely an hour later the call that shattered their lives. remembering those dark, bleak days, i am praying that God miraculously gives them peace and calm as november 30th approaches. i am anticipating it and praying for her and i wish i could be with her and i wish i had the words and the knowledge and the right thing to say - i wish i could carve pumpkins with her and liam and do all those things that make life seem normal - hours full of laughter and joking - things that make you forget for just a few minutes.

as i read emily's blog and rachel's blog and angie's blog and sumi's blog and all the others i am aware that it is their friends who have the right words and the special comments that are so so helpful to these young women who are struggling - these women who, themselves, have such a positive outlook in the midst of their struggles. a friend of mine told me that i just have to consider that they are speaking FOR me - at a time when i don't have the words.

i don't know the relationship these women have with their mothers. i don't know if theirs is an in-and-out-of-town relationship like ours or if there is a constant - an every day connection that is a source of comfort and strength. i guess i just have to realize that God knows my heart and the Holy Spirit is evidenced in the tears that spill down my face on the altar on sunday mornings and that is all i can offer.

i wish it was more.

thinking of her always.....

2008-08-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Little One, Hold My Hand
for Sydney Grace

Little one, hold my hand.
Show me all the wonders that you see;
Help me feel His loving touch,
Lead me gently to His feet;

Little one, hold my hand,
Guide me as I seek to learn
How to do what He wants of me;
Be my sweet angel leading me.

Little one, hold my hand,
Come at night and whisper in my ear
Of the glorious things that you now know,
Safely resting in His arms..

Little one, hold my hand.
Sit beside me as I weep;
Dry my tears with gentle breath,
A breeze that softly touches cheek.

Little one, hold my hand,
Angel fingers entwined in mine;
Pull me gently closer still
To live in Him in every hour.

Little one, hold my hand,
He will help you teach me how
To be a better person now,
Change me with His love you bring.

Little one, hold my hand,
I need to feel your presence here;
I'll try not to hold too tight,
For I know I'm not the only one.

Little one, hold my hand,
Snuggle with me in my dreams
And sing a joyful song to me;
I'll listen and i'll sing with you.

Little one, hold my hand,
Until the day when I come home
And then we'll dance and never tire
And play at Jesus feet again.

2008-08-16T07:28:00.001-07:00

going to bulgaria in october. it can't come soon enough!

loopiness......

2008-07-22T21:49:00.000-07:00

i feel somewhat estranged. disconnected. out of the loop. but the loop isn't mine. is this normal? it is kinda hard. well, not kinda. more than kinda.....

from the mouths of babes.....

2008-06-24T07:14:00.001-07:00

http://candleatbothends.blogspot.com/

for a laugh to lighten your spirits, check out this somewhat sometimes delightfully irreverant but always inspiring blogsite. today's entry from the writer's son:

"i think we are in God's toilet."

deep theology that makes sense to me.

my chains are gone...

2008-06-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

where do i start. it is hard to collect my thoughts and convey what took place at our student ministry youth camp. yes, i still work with the youth and joke that they'll have to run me off when i'm in my wheelchair dragging my oxygen tank across the sand.

lately i've wondered about my effectiveness; even though i'm not the stereotypical fifty-something church lady i don't want to overstay my welcome. i love the energy and the passion of students and have a heart for teaching them how to live Godly lives and honor Him in the choices they make. i also want them to know unconditional love as they sometimes make not so good choices.

this year i was asked to lead a breakout session by offering "my story" along with several other leaders. the day we were to leave to camp i confessed to our student pastor that i wasn't sure i could do it. i was so confused as to what was expected of me as a leader in telling my current story of pain, confusion, questions and anger. i was convinced just 30 minutes before we left that this camp was to be one of honesty, openness and authenticity. i was told it was important for our students to realize that suffering and questions are not unique to the young - we all face difficulties and pain in all stages of life. and it was necessary for them to hear the truth from the adults that lead them - the truth that includes amazing grace.

around 60 students were assigned to my group throughout the week. on the first day i was nervous and anxious about how i could possibly get through my story - the story of alyssa and sydney grace. but i prayed and i was given a peace about what i was to say and was assured that my words would be meaningful and would be heard.

these are the words of the email i sent our student pastor after we returned from camp and best explain what i experienced:

"i appreciate your encouragement of me on sunday before we left; i never want camp or any student event to be about the leaders but it was apparent that God used each of us to show openness and vulerability and reflect the grace that God gives each of us. amazingly, my story changed each day - not the details but what i was learning and could share. i felt layers being peeled away by God as i shared - it never occurred to me that that would happen. i thought that He would use me to reach the students - and throughout He was reaching me as well. in my last session i told the students that during worship the night before, i realized in the middle of worship that i was worshipping with JOY for the first time since nov 30th. that i had been worshipping every sunday faithfully but through gritted teeth and clinched fists - obedient to God but reluctant because of pain and confusion. the words i was speaking to the students during camp became more than words and it was a healing process for me as well. "

one of the leaders who attended my breakout session with students came to me one evening and said she had been angry and frustrated since the death of one of our students last year - a fifteen year old boy who was her son's best friend. she said for months she couldn't open her bible and she couldn't pray. finally a friend of hers laid it on the line: she said "you HAVE to open your bible and READ. and you HAVE to pray. even if you don't feel like it. if you don't do these things you will not hear Him or feel His presence. if you do these things, you will know His presence and He will begin to fill you back up." i shared this with the students because i know it to be true.

all of our teacher-led breakout sessions were raw and real. i saw more students open up and show vulnerability and honesty than ever before. i heard confession after tearful confession. i saw unconditional love and acceptance from one student to another. i saw and participated in passionate worship like i've never experienced before in the ten years i've been attending youth camp. almost every student said the same thing. our camp speaker did not mince words and was authentic from the first night of camp - no "building up to the last night" - he began camp on the same high note on which he ended camp.

i shared with alyssa that sydney grace's story had impacted many of the youth in our student ministry. but the most amazing and freeing thing that happened was the way i was released from my own pain by publically and openly sharing my story - harder than blogging but more healing face to face. God truly used me to share Sydney's story with students who suffer through divorce, death and depression. But He knew all along that as my story changed a little each day, He was changing me.

the song that has become the mantra of this year's camp is the rendition of Amazing Grace that includes the chorus "my chains are gone, i've been set free, my God, my Savior, has ransonmed me...and like a flood His mercy reigns, unending love, amazing grace."

Amazing. Grace.

a mother's heart....

2008-06-12T19:52:00.000-07:00

alyssa's appointment with another high-risk obstetrician is tomorrow at 9:00am mountain time. this doctor has reviewed all records from her pregnancy, abruption and delivery of liam as well as her records regarding her second abruption and sydney's stillbirth. statistics indicate that after one abruption, chances are high that another abruption will occur; after a second abruption. the chances are even higher.

alyssa is obviously very anxious; the doctor could recommend that she NOT get pregnant again or she could indicate that it is okay to try again. getting pregnant again would bring with it the almost certain possibility of another abruption and possibly the loss of another baby. in effect, getting the "go ahead" brings with it major decisions and more fears and anxiety. she experienced an emergency situation with liam's delivery and thankfully, he made it. my very uneducated guess is that if she does get pregnant again, she will either be put on bedrest starting the second trimester or even hospitalized as a precaution.

PLEASE pray for alyssa and ian tomorrow. pray that God would give them a good nights rest tonight and that He would give alyssa a peace about the meeting. pray for the wisdom of this doctor and that she would be clear and concise in her explanation and recommendation. pray for alyssa's anxiety to subside and for her to be able to hear and accept whatever the doctor tells her. please pray that somehow, whatever the news is, that alyssa will know in her heart that He will not abandon her and that He will walk with her wherever the path takes her.

a mother's heart hurts even when her children are grown and making their own way in life. a mother's heart aches for the pain of an adult child just as much as it did for that precious three-year-old or angst-ridden thirteen-year-old.

knowing that you are praying for her and her family eases the hurt.

i had a thought.....

2008-06-10T09:35:00.000-07:00

could it be something so simple? could it be something that we have studied and read and know in our hearts but missed?

our questions demand answers. questions for which there are no answers. why? a loving God would allow THIS? why suffering? isn't there an easier way? it hurts. i don't get it. it happens over and over. tragedy. despair. emptiness.

and then i had a thought:

is it the love of a husband restraining his hysterical wife as she is told there is no heartbeat?
is it the love of a mother-in-law who grieves with her daughter-in-law the passing of a son and husband?
is it the love of a father for his son who was in the driver's seat of the car that struck down his innocent little sister?
is it the love of a young woman who falls to her feet in a dark, dirty garage in prayer for her friend whose baby is born still?
is it the love of a stranger who sends a special bracelet or a basket of flowers to a grieving mother?
is it the love of a co-worker who simply offers a gentle touch as she passes by?
is it the love of a friend of a friend who offers financial support for funeral expenses?
is it the love of a brother who climbs to the top of a mountain with his grieving friend and prays?

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, EVEN AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, that you also love one another. By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another," John 13:34-35

who hasn't experienced the acute pain of grief and at the same time felt the overwhelming love of friends, family and strangers. the outpouring of love expressed in comments sections of personal stories is amazing. could it be so simple?

yes, we are disciplined and tested through our trials. the strength of our faith during these times is certainly a witness for others. our hope in redemption is encouraging to those who might falter. but the depth of the LOVE that is connecting all stories and strangers and even "blog-stalkers" is unfathomable. it is amazing. and if we are to be like Him, if He has loved us so overwhelmingly and if the greatest command is to love others..........

could it be something so simple?

"...but now faith, hope, love, abide these three, but the greatest of these is LOVE."
1 Corinthians 13:13

confused

2008-05-19T16:11:00.000-07:00

i just returned from a mission trip to new york city with some students from our church college group. i wonder if everyone who goes to new york has a hard time leaving. or is it just me? i have always had a hard time leaving. i am NEVER ready to come home. i can remember all the years we camped in colorado and would start the long drive home. it would depress me to see cars going in the opposite direction with cartop carriers carrying their sleeping bags and luggage and supplies - our fun was ending and theirs was just beginning.

i can remember the first mission trip i took. i came home and sat on the patio in despair. my house and backyard and all the surroundings made me feel like a foreigner. it was all alien to me. i was homesick for the place i had returned from.

i don't get it. am i really geographically misplaced? my friend asks me if i am resisting "being" in the place where God wants me and wants me to be happy?

transition is so hard for me. if i get right back to work and get my mind busy, soon i fall back into my normal routine which soon includes a "passion" for american idol, gray's anatomy, LOST and the internet. what? after sorting and boxing up 1500 men's shirts of various sizes in the World Vision warehouse in the Bronx? after packing 2200 father's day packets complete with deoderant, lotion, and shower gel for underprivileged kids around the world? after prayer walking around manhattan? after reading scripture in the United Nation's building? after working in a soup kitchen at a local episcopal church? in a city where 1/2 of one percent of new yorkers admit to being christian?

we were working with and for Apostle's Church (google it) in manhattan. it is an interdenominational church plant that, after four years of consistent support, is approaching complete self-sufficiency financially (although donations continue to help keep it solvent).

our free time consisted of visiting and enjoying the following:
times square
canal street
yankees/mets game for one hour before the game was rained out
empire state building
rockefeller center
ground zero
battery park
statue of liberty
pinkberry (google it - it is an amazing yogurt delight found only in NY and California)
little italy
chelsea
washington square
grand central station
central park
metropolitan museum
new york cheese cake
sidewalk cafe coffee on a rainy afternoon
honking taxis
FRIENDLY HELPFUL new yorkers
awesome amateur musicians in the subway stations
the subway the subway the subway
walking walking walking

that said, i had returned from albuquerque and sydney's beautiful service and worked for only 2 days before leaving to go to new york. it was a quick, hurried wonderful trip. but as soon as i got settled in my seat on the plane my thoughts became centered once again on my daughter and her family and little sydney. the escape made me feel guilty because i know my daughter can never escape since it is with her and it is her. it still hurts and there are still no words. there is nothing - not even a five day mission trip to an exciting, thrilling new york city - that can ever, ever fill that hole in my heart.

2008-05-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

Little One, Hold My Hand

for Sydney Grace

Little one, hold my hand.
Show me all the wonders that you see;
Help me feel His loving touch,
Lead me gently to His feet;

Little one, hold my hand,
Guide me as I seek to learn
How to do what He wants of me;
Be my sweet angel leading me.

Little one, hold my hand,
Come at night and whisper in my ear
Of the glorious things that you now know,
Safely resting in His arms..

Little one, hold my hand.
Sit beside me as I weep;
Dry my tears with gentle breath,
A breeze that softly touches cheek.

Little one, hold my hand,
Angel fingers entwined in mine;
Pull me gently closer still
To live in Him in every hour.

Little one, hold my hand,
He will help you teach me how
To be a better person now,
Change me with His love you bring.

Little one, hold my hand,
I need to feel your presence here;
I'll try not to hold too tight,
For I know I'm not the only one.

Little one, hold my hand,
Snuggle with me in my dreams
And sing a joyful song to me;
I'll listen and i'll sing with you.

Little one, hold my hand,
Until the day when I come home
And then we'll dance and never tire
And play at Jesus feet again.

Ode to Ellaiden...with or without hair....

2008-05-06T20:04:00.000-07:00

Sung to the tune of
"Oh My Darling Clementine"

Alopecia, alopecia,
You just appeared one day,
You are sneaky,
You came so quickly
I don't quite know what to say.

But guess what, oh alopecia
You won't get her
No, no, no.....
Alopecia, you can't change her,
It's not her hair that makes her glow..

It's her laughter and her busyness
And the way she never slows,
It's the way her brown eyes twinkle,
Besides, she really hates hairbows.

She is clever and so curious
Loves to shop for a pretty frock,
I can teach her 'bout scarves and hats
We'll coordinate with birkenstocks.

Alopecia, alopecia
You can leave just any time;
But if you stay, you'll be dismayed
'Cause hair or not she'll be just fine.

(google if you don't know what alopecia is)

2008-05-02T14:37:00.001-07:00

ok, so don't ever sit down and start blogging at 4am in the morning when you haven't been to sleep yet. your fingernails will peel back and words you don't want to say will ooze from inside the nail bed, slip into the laptop keys and splatter onto your monitor. then, when you have to get up at 7 to get to work you don't have time to delete the post(s). some things are better left embedded in the gray matter between your ears. cutting 120 pieces of laminated artwork at school today kept me awake.

today: chris f, lisa, kendra and carol t. thank you.

earthquake

2008-05-02T06:12:00.000-07:00

"writer nancy moos points out that grief does not occur in isolation and that is is necessary to work through grief from the viewpoint of family dynamics. she states that the interaction and communication patterns between family members may be disrupted by death. roles within the family shift or change, sometimes permanently." earthquake.

in the last five months.......

2008-05-02T02:09:00.000-07:00

10 dozen batches of sausage balls

5 dozen batches of olive cheese balls

5 batches of brownies

2 rum cakes

1 oreo 'dirt' cake with gummy worms

3 dozen martha washington balls

3 batches of pralines

4 batches of chocolate chip cookies

"thanks just the same, but do you bake EVERY night" they ask.

"pretty much......what else can i do for you? i can't stop. it's all i've got. and besides, you all are here. so take advantage of it. "

ellaiden's visit to dallas....

2008-05-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

more pics of ellaiden in dallas....went to target, blew bubbles, jingled the garden chimes, took baths and watched some tv with papa after work....(sorry i don't know how to turn the pictures the right way)

keeping miss e......

2008-05-01T22:02:00.001-07:00

we kept ellaiden for a week to give chris and jenny a little break (little because they still had 'little' soren with them); we had a ball with miss e and she even went to school with me one day to visit. they've just discovered that ellaiden has alopecia aerata, the hair loss disease. hopefully it will be a one-time hair loss (her father, chris, lost a lot of his hair at about the same age and it all came back and he never lost it again. ). i have read that male pattern baldness is also a form of alopecia and my dad had early balding and chris is having some early thinning and receding hairlines. there can be a genetic connection so maybe this is it for ellaiden and it will all grow back. if not....if she loses it all.....i will shave my head in concert with her. and if you don't think i will then you don't really know me.

what idol do you worship and i don't mean david archuleta...

2008-04-29T20:36:00.000-07:00

so, i'm going to be really honest. (like us margraves AREN'T?)

there was a bit of dysfunction in my upbringing; i wasn't particularly close to my parents. they were products of their upbringing and so forth and so forth. (by the way, if you had a particularly close and loving relationship with your parents, don't feel free to comment and give me advice. thanks but no thanks.)

when i got married and had my own family, i was ecstatic. not that we didn't have our own problems (baggage) like everyone else; but, i felt like the family we "created" was pretty normal. we were involved in our children's sports and school activities as well as active in church as a family. our children did well in school and had friends who hung out at our house. the boys found it entertaining to make video movies - silly, pre-puberty boy-type movies that they willingly showed us the next day. that was when we noticed the clock in the background of the video that read "2:30 am".........the boys also built a fort out back, tried to dig a swimming pool in the backyard (and couldn't figure out why it wouldn't hold water) and buried a "time capsule" when they were in sixth grade to be opened when they were seniors. their senior year, the boys gathered and dug up the time capsule and laughed at the silly things they found.

the girls had sleepovers and cabbage patch kid birthday parties. they mixed "potions" out of mud, leaves and water on top of the air conditioner compressor. they roller-skated up and down the alley, racing past the yard with the mean dog that ran up and down the length of the fence until they had passed; they played "detective" as they watched cars pass by and made up mystery stories about the occupants. they played dentist and library in the built-in bar in the family room and played "apartment" by locking and unlocking bedroom doors with "keys" which were actually bobby pins.

we were often chaperones for dances, backstage workers for musicals and brownie scout and cub scout leaders. dads went on indian princess and indian guide campouts (these men who have been friends for over 20 years meet for breakfast EVERY saturday morning - EVERY) and moms took 30 girl scounts on campouts. couples went to cotton bowl games and then that night gathered the children from babysitters and congregated at one house to watch the orange bowl game while the children played in the back room. the children were always rounded up to watch the half-time show which in those days was much more spectacular than it is now.

and there was much more. growing up with cousins a few miles away - church and weekends together. cookouts. birthdays. etc. etc. so when my nest emptied, boy, did it empty. suddenly. both kids moved 1100 miles away together. i had always known i would have to face an empty nest.....i just didn't realize i would have to face an empty STATE! needless to say, i didn't handle it well. i missed them terribly and suffered depression. what i realize now was that they made the move and separation easily because of how THEY were raised; i still suffered not even knowing why. i just knew that the family that had been was no more. or at least that is how it seemed. with the loss of sydney grace, the distance between us now seems much further than it really is. text and emails (and an occasional phone call when there is time in a busy day) are the extent of the relationship. thank goodness for new technology and not having to walk to the mailbox every day to look for a newsy letter - it is instantaneous. but it is still distant. the emptiness that i felt when they moved is nothing compared to the emptiness i feel when i know someone else is meeting her needs and giving her physical hugs and making her laugh. i'm so grateful that she has such a strong, loving support group. and i also know that is how life is supposed to be. if you meet the needs of your children, they don't need you as much. if YOUR needs weren't met as a child, you need them too much. and i do.

having a daughter is so, so special. the saying "a son is a son til he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life" is so true. i mean, i still have a close friendship with my son and i LOVE how we can share sports, books and theological and political discussions. but mothers and daughters have a special bond if they are lucky. i never had a true friendship with my mother; i felt like i did with my own daughter. when my mother died, i grieved the relationship we didn't have. and it made my friendship with my own daughter even more precious and treasured by me. we have new neighbors; they are a young family with small children. the mother and i have already become friends and we both have commented on how much alike we are and how easy (and fun) it is to be around each other. i am happy about that. but she is still not my daughter. my daughter has said that one of the reasons she misses sydney grace is because of the relationship she wanted to have with a daughter BECAUSE of the relationship she and i have had. i know she would have been (and some day may still be) a good mother to a daughter. and i hope that when the time would come, she would find it easier than it has been for me to let go. and that brings me to another topic. i have made my children/family my idols. i have put them before God. that is NOT what He wants. but my love for my children seems bigger than my love for Him. and i don't know how in the world to correct that............and that is a topic for another post......

forgotten tears, by nina bennett

2008-04-27T18:24:00.001-07:00

so, i finally picked up the book i ordered a couple of months ago. "forgotten tears" is a grandmother's journey through grief following the stillbirth of her granddaughter. i found myself intentionally skipping pages that were too painful to read - feeling the familiar lump in my throat and knot in my stomach i just pushed everything back down to where it has been for the last few weeks. i don't even have words any more. i am still fighting it. i still want my daughter back. i know she will never be the same. i know there will always be something/someone missing in our family. i want to be already down the road. far away from this spot we're muddling through.

excerpts:

"as a healthcare professional, stages of grief were someting concrete i could describe to people dealing with the death of a loved one. yet, when i was faced with the death of my granddaughter, i didn't feel as though the stages had much relevance to what i was experiencing. how could i possible resolve the loss of my granddaughter? how could i "move on"? the fact that maddy had not survived delivery is unacceptable. "

"Our own pain threatens to overwhelm us, but to see OUR children in so much pain is, in many cases, more than we can bear. this adds another layer of complicated emotions for grandparents. we want to be able to help our children in any way possible, and yet we have other responsibilities. we are pulled in many different directions. we need to return to work for financial reasons as well as limitations on time off; yet, we want to be available to our child. we need to grieve our loss, yet we feel as though we must hold it together and appear strong in front of our children. we want to spend every minute with our bereaved child, yet we have other family members who also need us. our hearts break at the sight of our children's anguish and we long to help them. at the same time, we are also experiencing what feels like unbearable pain, and we need to find our way through our own grief. as tempting as it is to deny what we are feeling, we cannot put our grief aside while we help our child. it sounds contradictory to say that we need to do our own grieving simultaneously while doing whatever we can to provie comfort for our child, but that is precisely the complexity of being a bereaved grandparent."

"I am powerless, i am helpless, i am frustrated, i sit here and cry with her. she cries for her daughter and i cry for mine. i CANNOT help her. i can't reach inside and take her broken heart. i must watch her suffer day after day and see her desolation. where is my power now? where is my mother's bag of tricks that will make it all better? where are the answers. i should have them. i'm a mother."

"There are times when i looked into my daughter's lost dark eyes and thought i would never see the face of my real daughter again. that is what cut my heart to ribbons even more than losing my grandchild - the thought that i had lost my daughter as well."

"what i didn't expect was that i would still be crying several months after maddy died."

"sudden, unanticipated death casts an overlying layer of trauma on the loss. the person's emotional responses are intensified; he or she may even exhibit symptoms of posttraumatic shock. the suddenness and lack of anticipation of the death overwhelm the mourner, leaving little resources for coping. "

and words like these, written by a grieving grandmother, words i could have written myself, i race over in an effort to control wracking sobs:

"maddy (sydney grace) will always be a part of me. she will never be forgotten. every breeze that touches my cheek will be my granddaughter whispering secrets. every fluffy cloud that floats across the sky is a kiss i am sending her. i will see her in every soft sunrise and brilliant sunset. and when i'm in colorado and feel a snowflake on my face, i know that maddy (sydney grace) will be telling me its time to stop crying. maddy (sydney grace), i loved you from the moment i knew you existed and i will always love you."

i still cry in church every single sunday morning. i can't help it. usually it is when i am singing that God cares about me, is wonderful to me, is my Strength. funny, that when i sing of all those things He is to me and is for me, that is when i cannot control the tears. and it lurks beneath hillarys and funny bloggers and broken trees on houses and all the other stuff i vomit to keep my sadness from becoming who i am.

this is all just so dang hard.

i laugh out loud....

2008-04-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

http://candleatbothends.blogspot.com/

this blog makes me laugh EVERY TIME i read it. her accounts of motherhood are laced with sarcasm and wit and wonderful humor. enjoy.

changed from within....

2008-04-21T20:24:00.001-07:00

i love this pastor's blog. please go to his site to read his most recent post - it contains an amazing testimony!

http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/

by wade burleson

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I Would Not Have Sinned, Except for the Law
Some Southern Baptist leaders believe that the way to stop believers from straying into sin, or to keep church members living lives consistent with personal holiness, or to establish churches with a worthy 'Baptist Identity,' is to lay out for Christians 'the law' of proper behavior. Following the articulation of 'the law' (whatever it may be from church to church), comes the use of threats (see picture below) to keep those Christians who violate the laws of the church. In this manner, some Southern Baptist leaders seem to feel comfortable that they have done all they can to perserve the purity of God's kingdom. However, in my experience, such behavior exhibited by church leadership contradicts the beauty of the gospel as an internal change of heart. To demand conformity through outward pressure is the tactic of religious cults, not Christian grace.

(go to the site for continuation of this post)

what if better doesn't come......

2008-04-21T17:03:00.000-07:00

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/

please check out boothe's post today. wise, helpful words.

metaphorically speaking......

2008-04-20T13:50:00.001-07:00

i'm going to see the amish.
soon.

don't ask me any questions.

you won't get any answers.

Proud or Broken?

2008-04-17T11:10:00.000-07:00

Differences Between Proud and Broken People
"There are times when I need to take a step back and evaluate my spirit in writing, ministry, and
life in general. The following table is helpful in terms of identifying, acknowledging, and repenting
of any spirit of pride in my life. It outlines the differences between proud and broken people."
Grace and Truth To You, by Wade Burleson April 17, 2008

i occasionally read a blog by a young pastor in oklahoma; he recently posted an interesting table pointing out the differences between proud and broken people. with his permission, i tried to copy the table but it didn't copy as a table and that truly is the best way to compare the differences. PLEASE go to to http://kerussocharis.blogspot.com/ to see for yourself. it is VERY convicting!!

(WHY does my blog print like this when the previewed sample is lined up perfectly????)

crazy is as crazy does.......

2008-04-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

pipsy, this one's for you! sometimes i get a little obsessed. the list of blogs i read is situated to the right of my post. the blogs i have recently opened and read appear in black print. the ones still waiting to be opened appear in blue print. sometimes i can't stand it until they are all in one color so i open all of them until they are all black. oh yeah.

you can pick your friends but........

2008-04-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

i read a post today from a mother who has recently had to bury her newborn boy. my heart hurts for her and i don't know her. it is more difficult still to hurt for your own family member. a sister whose husband is awaiting a possible cancer diagnosis, a neice whose father's life is stilled by a tragic accident, a daughter whose athletic husband drowns in a freak accident...or in our case a daughter who, almost 8 months pregnant, gives birth to a stillborn baby girl.

i haven't talked to or read posts or comments by any other grandmothers or grandfathers or aunts or uncles who are walking this road with their family member. i don't know if they don't know about the blogs, if the family member doesn't want to 'burden' relatives or impose sadness on them so they don't tell them about the blog- maybe most of us old geezers don't even know what a blog is or still prefer smith and corona manual typewriters.

the post i read today spoke of the difficulty of grieving and how relationships change through the journey. she commented that it seemed that the ones most sympathtic and most in constant contact are the new friends; and that even family had disappointed her. and it is well-known that any couple experiencing the death of a child, even a newborn, can easily become part of the divorce statistic. i had a friend whose daughter was 16 and killed on new years eve many years ago. she and her husband ended up divorcing and later re-marrying - AFTER the grief process had been completed - differently for each of them.

grieving husbands, wives, grandparents and siblings who may have always been close suddenly face a changed relationship; and if these relatives haven't been very close, it may be even harder to maintain the facade of a "normal' family. i read of a girl whose mother gets upset because her daughter is upset and then the daughter gets upset because she upset her mother. just as any death in a family can upset a seemingly stable family dynamic, a miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a newborn can do the same. often, there is emotional baggage that family members carry that friends, old or new, don't have to tote around.

the girl who wrote the post also spoke of feeling irritable and snappy and angry. common reactions to recently experiencing a personal loss (and evidently, according to what i've also read recently, a physiological reaction). and don't you know that it is much easier to snap at a friend and experience forgiveness than it is to rail on a family member who unfortunately brings a trunk, 2 large suitcases, 1 carryon and a makeup tote full of family history? think about it this way: we yell at our children and spouses and complain to them about things they do that we "let go" with a wave of the hand and a smile when friends do the same things.

this journey is hard. watching from afar as a family member is confusing. wanting to say enough but not too little. not wanting to impose but wanting to be available. wanting to say her name but wondering if it will cause more pain. it's tiptoeing around the broken pieces for awhile, then deciding that isn't supportive enough and then stomping right through the middle of the shards before walking away in silence for awhile and then coming back to try again. all the while with the realization that the difficulty that you are experiencing is NOTHING compared to what she is going through.

so i pray for the girl who wrote the blog and i pray for our family and others like us. i pray that friends would continue to be supportive and comforting. and i pray that families would be healed and relationships mended....

....and that He would give us patience with ourselves and with each other.

she died in Christ.....

2008-04-15T17:46:00.000-07:00

a woman i knew in church years ago died today. her daughter had gotten pregnant as a teenager and come back to the youth group as a teacher - her testimony was strong and effective. she went to college and married a nice young man and is six months pregnant with her second child. her mother died today after going to the hospital with an intestinal blockage; she had been looking forward to having another grandchild. my sadness is for her daughter and grandson and the grandchild she will never know as well as her close friends. but i know that right now she isn't worried about missing her grandchildren or daughter or her friends. she is in Good Hands and happy.

1 thessalonians 4:13: ".....do not grieve as do those who have no hope"

the high cost of filling up the tank....

2008-04-15T11:37:00.001-07:00

i have been thinking about my daughter (i never stop thinking about her, really). throughout the last few months of reading blogs, i notice that rarely, if at all, do grandparents make comments. do they read their adult childrens' blogs? are they familiar with the blog world? or do they, as mentioned in cfhusband's blog, have full lives of their own - so much so that they don't have time to be part of the blogworld?

i love my job - it hardly feels like a job. i love the people i work with and i love the children - i am attached. aside from that small part of my week, it is pretty much internet, tv and sleep. when i am with my adult children there is conversation, busyness and keeping up with grandkids - but those times are scattered and occasional.

my question to myself is "what fills a life" ? i drive by the park by our house and see little boys at t-ball practice or soccer practice; i drive by the elementary school and see brownie scouts gathering for a weekend campout. i drive by the high school and see middle schoolers readying for a trackmeet. that used to fill my life. what now? what do i do with these last twenty or so years of my life? years i thought would be constant with family?

sometimes i feel like moving far away and saturating myself in missions. but my motive for that should be to glorify God - not "fill my life".

my tank feels empty. how do i fill it up?

ellaiden's birthday pics!

2008-04-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

to the right are more pics - at one point we missed ellaiden and her friend naomi - we found them snuggled up in e's bed! happy birthday, two-year-old!! (oh, and the tulips? 6 hours after we bought them, this is what they looked like....)

little miss e...

2008-04-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

we went to austin for the weekend to help celebrate ellaiden's 2nd birthday. we were very busy all weekend. grocery shopping for the food, cleaning house, planting flowers outside, cleaning up and setting up the patio for the party, preparing veg and fruit trays - and the weather was perfect! there were around 35 people - friends from chris and jenny's church (mosaic/austin - don't know how to make this a link but you can check it out online) and friends chris went to high school with who we have known for as long. the whole thing was outside and there were lots of little kids running around. (i'll post pictures later).

we brought ellaiden back with us for the week to give chris and jenny a much-needed break (e is 2 and soren is 7 months); evidently this is common practice for grandparents because we learned that lauren bagwell dietz's mother-in-law brought braxton back to austin from north carolina and then flew back with him to get him home and turned around and flew back by herself to austin. sounds familiar :) we got back from austin tonight around 6:30. ellaiden was supposed to take a nap before we left but didn't so we thought she would in the car but she didn't. she watched a winnie the pooh movie and a backyardigans movie AND part of an elmo movie - close to home she ate some ham and a bowl of vegetables, some goldfish and a cup of milk. she was GREAT!!

when we got here she walked right into the playroom and checked out her bed and the toys. i put away alyssa's doll house furniture that we bought when we lived in pennsylvania when she was 10 years old; i bought some inexpensive furniture and dolls at hobby lobby for the grandchildren to play with. ellaiden immediately sat down on the floor and rearranged the furniture. she was pretty tired after a bath and after one story, she was yawning and about to fall asleep snugged up in dora and diego bedding.

even though tonight there is a frost warning (go figure) the day-time temps are supposed to be in the mid-70's so we hope to make it to the park and church playground this week. ellaiden plays hard and is a good sleeper so i think the week will go by really fast.

i told her parents we would keep her as long as they wanted us to. maybe til she is 4! :)

i think that i shall never see a poem as lovely as a tree...

2008-04-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

Joyce Kilmer. 1886–1918
Trees
I think that I shall never see
A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest
Against the sweet earth's flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,
And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in summer wear
A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;
Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,
But only God can make a tree.

so, my 24-year old friend who i've known since she was 3 months old came into town. during her college years each summer we would play scrabble til the wee hours of many mornings. so last night i said, come on over and we'll play one last scrabble series before you leave town again. we played until 2:30. only got 2 games finished (tells you how long we ponder over words in an attempt to get that 85 point word). she finally said i'm just going to sleep on your sofa and go home tomorrow. i went to bed at 2:38am. quick deep sleep.

about an hour and a half later i heard a sound i'd never heard before. weird wind. no train sound. no howling or whistling. just weird. before i could get my eyes fully open i heard a unusual and dramatic sound. i didn't jump up. i lay very still and in my semi-conscious foggy sleep-state i said "i think a car just landed on our roof." i don't know why i said it and then i thought i had dreamed it. i stayed under the covers.

when we looked outside it was apparent that the 50 ft fifty-year old oak tree had been twisted up out of the ground - much like the cork we had unscrewed from the wine bottle at dinner earlier in the evening. a double-trunked tree. one trunk fell into the street and the other larger trunk fell across the gable of our roof and onto the neighbor's roof. we were lucky. our damage was minimal, unlike many in plano and allen.

as the tree service began the cleanup i asked the site manager about the way the tree fell. i said surely since it was situated so close to the house that if it had fallen straight toward the bedroom window it would have just rested against the house. he laughed at me and said, "honey, not a 15,000 lb tree. it would have landed on your bed!" gulp.

i think i'm going to be sick......

2008-04-09T15:27:00.001-07:00

i don't quite know exactly what i'm about to say. i just know it has been on my heart for a while and i haven't known how to word it; i will probably still stumble but here goes. my intent is not to offend or hurt or misunderstand - i'm trying to figure things out as well.

i once had an acquaintance who a sweet, compassionate person. she would do anything for you and she had a heart of gold. she also was willing to share the burdens of others; she felt the pain of others and wept along with anyone who was experiencing sadness or grief or even just a serious personal problem. she probably, like me, carried the pain of stories splashed across the television and in print - stories of tragic car accidents or misfortunes that would arrive at the doorsteps of neighbors or even those unknown to her.

the only problem was that she couldn't let go of it. people would see her coming and began to turn the other way. it wasn't that they didn't care and it wasn't because they didn't want to help. but she seemed unable to grow through her grief - even with the support and love of her friends. she was a victim and she seemed unable to un-victimize herself.

i don't want to be that person. as sad as i am, as hurt as i am for my daughter, as much of a loss as i feel our family has experienced, i don't want to be that person that people begin to avoid. i don't want to continue to bring darkness and despair into the lives of others if i'm living a joyless existence. heaven only knows they have their own situations to deal with. wouldn't i rather be light? even in the midst of my own misfortune? what am i called to be? i choose jesus so what is my responsibility?

i continute to be amazed at the young women whose light continues to shine even though they have suffered great loss. oh, they speak of sadness and what-ifs but i never hear bitterness. they feel anger for sure but it is tempered, perhaps by their tone or their language and also because of their ability to claim joy in the midst of their grief. don't get me wrong. i still sob. i still see young mothers with precious live bundles of spit and drool and poop and my knees go weak and the knot in my stomach tightens.

the other thing i continue to struggle with is blogdom. when i read a post from a family that has just experienced great loss and they write of the hundreds of comments they get and how much they are uplifted by every single prayer and the support even from strangers, i am convicted to continue to blog-stalk and comment. but then, i begin to question that practice of saturating my time at home with the tragedies of others. PLEASE don't think i am callous; those who know me best know better. my heart tells me to READ READ READ each and every story and COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT so as to be supportive and prayerful. so......

.....i am in a quandry: 1)i don't want to remain a victim - this doesn't mean i deny my grief or the process of moving through it and 2)is it healthy for me, or anyone else who has experienced a loss, to dwell in the world of sad blogdom and 3)even though i gain support and prayerful encouragement from others, am i really leaning on the blogsters more than my God in order to heal and 4)as my blogging is considered a public on-line journal what really is its purpose? is it to vent my feelings? is it to help others? if it is to help others, how am i most effective? in expressing my raw feelings so that others will say 'i feel the same way'? or in expressing my raw feelings BUT reflecting a sort of peace and reliance on God AND evidence that He truly is working in me in a good way. if i continue to express my bitterness and anger am i inhibiting those who read my blog from moving forward? should much of that posting be in a private diary? I DON'T KNOW!!! if i am told 'grieve at your own pace' for ME does that mean that i will still be grieving 10 years from now as if it is a fresh wound and my life will be a reflection of my grief, not my joy?

i just know that i want to crawl out of the pits. i want others to crawl out with me. and i don't know if that can happen if i don't take the outreached hand of the One who assures me that He is in control and reflect that in a positive manner. when i grieved my own personal loss 35 years ago, i was in darkness. i was a christian but didn't KNOW my Lord. i am so grateful to be where i am today knowing that i don't have to stay in the mirey clay.

i was talking to someone today about grief groups. i expressed to her the concern that if i were in a grief group that didn't have an agenda or a spiritual purpose, i am afraid i would remain stuck - almost embracing my grief. i might not even realize that i was carrying my grief around in my purse or wearing it on my lapel like a purple heart pin for all to see. i have another friend who lost a baby a few years ago and the other day i asked her how did you ever get to the point where you weren't wearing your grief like an easter corsage. you know what she told me?

"i just got sick of myself."

i think i understand that. i don't want others to get sick of me and i for sure don't want to get someone else sick. it doesn't mean i won't still feel my sadness. it won't diminish my loss.

Lord, help me to get sick of myself.

Preparation isn't always easy.....

2008-04-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

as i'm dashing off to work - from my daily devotional flip-over on the kitchen counter calendar:

April 7 - "Once you grow and develop the right condition inwardly, the words which Jesus spoke become so clear that you are amazed that you did not grasp them before. our Lord doesn't hide these things from us, but we are not prepared to receive them until we are in the right condition in our spiritual life." Oswald Chambers

on the other hand......

2008-04-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

okay, forget that last post. i was having a moment. i care too much. :)

will it ever stop?

2008-04-03T05:07:00.000-07:00

this is how it works. once you connect with a tragedy exposed on-line in the blogger world, soon you see another story posted and you check that one out. after awhile you begin to know that family's personal hell as you become familiar with their journey through grief. after a while, someone posts of another suffering family. before you realize it you have bookmarked dozens of blogsites to "check in on" daily. i found yet another one today of a precious, beautiful three-year-old who drowned.

i don't think i can do this anymore. it is becoming such a major part of my life that i feel surrounded by darkness and sadness and dashed hopes. i know God is there in the middle of all of these posts and there is much growth occuring in all of these situations BUT i don't feel like it is healthy for me to be as consumed by the tragedies of others as i appear to be.

some of the sites i first visited i feel connected to and probably can't abandon. but my word, it goes on and on and on and there are more and more and more and i just don't think i can do it.

weird....

2008-04-02T20:43:00.001-07:00

suddenly i'm feeling awkward about posting. feeling awkward

about being a 58 year old non-traditional mother and

grandmother with a tattoo and a facebook page........not sure

what THIS is about. weird.

NOTE TO THE WORLD:

2008-04-01T18:44:00.001-07:00

note to the world: whenever a person's life is spared from a tragedy DO NOT say "God was really looking out for him". that implies that He was NOT looking after the person who lost his life. our God doesn't work that way. He looks after us all.

lacking.....

2008-04-01T17:47:00.001-07:00

i don't have the wisdom or the spiritual depth or the biblical background or the confidence. i just love her and hate to see her in pain.

forgive me. i'm not strong.

2008-03-30T19:01:00.001-07:00

prepared for the storm.....

2008-03-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

a sweet, young 24-year old friend of mine is facing a possible diagnosis of lung cancer. we are praying for a miracle. this is one of the recent email exchanges i have had with her cousin - a close friend who i've traveled with to bulgaria many times.

rhonda: as a result of this situation with Lisa, i went to the bookstore today to find some books on how to develop a better (more effective?) prayer life. jan

jan: That is exactly what the Lord has been speaking to me about (one of the many things). I have been amazed as I listen to Aunt Joyce (Lisa's mom) tell me how God prepared her in advance for this storm (He even gave her specific scriptures for this time); she did not know what the storm would be but He prepared her. That happened because she has a powerful prayer life. Joyce has such an intimate relationship with the Lord that she see God's powerful hand at work in and beyond this storm and she has that relationship because she spends time with Him. I love you friend. Rhonda

i am going to the hospital to visit lisa friday. i CAN'T WAIT to meet her mom!!

remember......

2008-03-13T21:44:00.001-07:00

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden,
and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me,
for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy,
and my burden is light.

(borrowed from the new york henniroses.....and Jesus)

just give me a minute....

2008-03-11T20:55:00.000-07:00

i was helping out in a class today and one of the three-year-olds had a meltdown. i mean a serious meltdown. that was why i was in the class. in anticipation of her daily meltdown. she fell apart and laid down on the floor beside the cabinets and kicked her feet and screamed and cried and yelled. loudly. whenever another child would approach she would yell a bloodcurdling yell and scream at the child to leave her alone! she screamed for her mama and her daddy and her granma and anyone else she could think of who might rescue her. the teacher quietly ushered the rest of the students from the room and i stayed behind. after a few words offered in a quiet voice, i finally convinced her get off the floor and pull herself together and rejoin her class in the hall.

i came home thinking that sometimes i want to do just what this little girl did. and i'm sure my daughter feels the same. that mentality of wanting what you want when you want it. and if you don't get it you stomp your feet, scream at the top of your lungs and lay down on the floor and flail and strike out at anyone who doesn't get it and tries to talk you out of your tantrum.

i so want things to be different for my daughter. i still want what i want. and i want it for her. and sometimes when it hits me in the middle of my daily routine that it isn't to be, i want to drop to the floor and have my tantrum right in the middle of carpool. and if i thought it would work, i'd do it. man, would i.

happy birthday, alyssa!

2008-02-25T06:06:00.000-08:00

thirty-one years ago today our daughter, alyssa, entered this world - a beautiful baby with blonde peach-fuzz for hair. do you know that because of a strained relationship with my mother i had been in counseling for most of my pregnancy as a result of the 'fear of having a daughter'. the fear of not knowing how to be a mother to a daughter. my desire was to love her unconditionally, embrace her individuality, celebrate her spirit and simply find joy in who she was and who she would become.

i had experienced a still-birth 5 years before she was born. at 8 months gestation, due to an insufficient placenta. in those days when a dead baby arrived, it was quickly whisked away to some phantom nursery (morgue) never to be seen again. it was not mentioned. it was as if it had never existed. nurses didn't linger bedside to comfort and talk it out. oh, they were nice enough but 36 years ago there was that belief that if you didn't talk about it, you could pretend it didn't really happen. the live babies that were brought to other mothers at routine times of the day passed my room, their cries of hunger piercing the silence of my room. the baby who was cradled in his mother's arms as we rode together in the elevator down to the lobby was gently put in a carseat for the ride home. i waited for my husband to bring the car around to the front, our carseat noticeably absent. the nurse standing behind my wheelchair never uttered a word.

so when alyssa arrived, i immediately fell in love. the symptoms were so acute, it was truly like i was lovesick as i could not eat for 2 weeks. i hardly put her down; i fed her and then rocked her, almost until the next feeding. she hardly cried - heck, she never had to (and you know, after a while when i DID put her down she hardly cried - i like to think it was because the first couple of months of her life she laid so close to my heart for so many hours of the day - just as she had for 9 months. when her brother arrived she was only 27 months old. one day when he was about 3 weeks old she somehow wrestled him out of the swing and carried him across the tile floor to me in the kitchen. "he was crying" she told me. after i started breathing again, i thanked her for loving her brother so much. she was spirited. by the time she was two years old she would NOT wear velvet and would NOT wear anything with smocking on it. that pretty much lasted through her entire childhood and adolescence. she had her own sense of style and i always thanked God that we never fought any battles about her choice of dress - she was modest and appropriate. whew!

we experienced the normal ups and downs of parenting and there were good times and bad times but there was never any question of how much i loved my daughter. there was NOTHING she could have done that would ever have diminished my love for her - no matter what it was.

i love to write and i have written a newspaper column in years past. but my daughter has surpassed me in skills and the depth of her writing. i am speechless now to express how much i love her and how proud i am of her. this experience we are going through right now is the most painful i've ever been through. i hurt for her more than i ever hurt for myself. i feel each and every emotion she expresses. i feel the joy she expresses and the pain. because we are separated by hundreds of miles, i read her blog daily and experience her anxiety, her joy and her hope. maybe that is because i held her next to my heart for so many hours and days when God first sent her to our family.

"before i held you in my arms, i held you in my heart. that is where you began and where you will always be." (unknown)

happy birthday, alyssa! we love you!

be still and know.......

2008-02-24T05:48:00.000-08:00

please check out heather's post on this blog dated february 23, 2008. she answers questions as clearly as any seminary-trained pastor could.

http://especiallyheather.com/

looking over my shoulder.....

2008-02-17T20:15:00.000-08:00

still waiting for the other shoe to drop. trying to be obedient and faithful and encouraging and supportive and wise. will things ever get better? is God through? is there something else coming? when thoughts push themselves to the front of my mind, i am able to shove them hard back to where i want them to stay. i can go to the high school theater production, disciple weekend, work, target, starbucks and all the other routine neighborhood haunts and escape for a while. but it never goes away. and i want it to. for her. for us.

we went to target the other day. i told my husband that the difference between men and women is that every pregnant woman who walked by, every woman pushing a baby in a cart was a sad reminder to me of our daughter's loss. all he saw was cereal and bottled water and packaged lunch meat.

why doesn't it go away? am i obsessed? am i obsessive?

i think church is easier as i sing the words to the songs. then i sing the words "your grace is enough, your grace is enough" and my throat closes and i can't sing any more. if i stop singing i won't cry. is it the Holy Spirit speaking to me in those words and in my tears? i've always told other people i believed that. now what do i believe?

i want to go back. i want to be sitting in the little church on the corner of northwest highway and midway road. i want to see my little boy reach his hand in granpa's pocket knowing he will pull out a handfull of skittles that will help him get through the sermon. i want to be at my mother-in-law's little frame house by love field on a sunday afternoon. i want to be sitting at the table eating sunday dinner with the whole family before the cousins good-naturedly fight for the red afghan and comfy couch. i want to be sprawled in the backyard trying to whistle through blades of grass. i want to see the littlest ones talking to the ceramic statue of the 'little boy' who stands silently in mamer francis' garden. i want to see my little girl and her cousins playing on the sidewalk and rumaging in the "barn" for treasures.

i want my family close and for nothing bad to happen. i want things to be different.

lyss, my shoes don't fit either.

please turn off my brain....

2008-02-10T19:58:00.000-08:00

i've really been thinking about some things. like prayer. and blessings. like, how prayer works or doesn't work and how people use the phrase "we are REALLY blessed" when things are going well. does that mean when things don't go so well "we are really NOT blessed?" just thinking.

LOST (not the tv show) perspective

2008-02-08T20:27:00.000-08:00

"When you and I hurt deeply, what we really need is not an explanation from God but a revelation of God. We need to see how great God is; we need to recover our lost perspective on life. Things get out of proportion when we are suffering, and it takes a vision of something bigger than ourselves to get life's dimensions adjusted again." Warren W. Wiersbe

what's a mother to do?

2008-02-08T19:37:00.000-08:00

she still struggles.

i can't help her.

i have no words.

i can't fix it.

but i am her mother.

i am supposed to make things all better.

ginger ale for tummy aches.

hot tea for sore throats.

heating pad for cramps.

hugs for broken relationships.

understanding for a bad test grade.

i am supposed to make things better.

but i can't fix it.

my heart breaks.

again.

and again.

see you in the morning light.....

2008-02-06T05:25:00.000-08:00

dear sydney grace,

these are such hard words to write;for today should be your birth-day. and we are all amazed at the irony that today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. for Lent reminds us of Christ's "retreat into the wilderness for 40 days to fast and pray". and it reminds us of His suffering. the dark time when He felt alone.

when i was a little girl, i was afraid of the dark. at night i didn't want to be alone in the dark. i couldn't wait until morning, when i could see the first glimmer of light. that is often how it feels now.

we've all done a lot of suffering lately. it's been a long, difficult road and the end isn't in sight as we will continue to miss you and grieve your death. i can hardly say that word when i speak of you, Sydney Grace. the questions linger, going unanswered. the tears still flow in church on sunday mornings and the thoughts of you crowd happier times from my memory. and your mommy, oh how that girl i birthed occupies so much of my heart - our hearts broken and smashed against each other right now.

if we are to draw closer to Christ through our suffering, then He has given us that opportunity through this sadness we are all experiencing. i mentioned to a friend tonight "yeah, but what a price to pay." what a price to pay. and it made me think of the price Jesus paid for us. and if the only way to truly know Him is to share suffering, then He has given us this gift of you. it is so hard to look at it this way - our humanness gets in the way. our tender hearts and our longing for a sweet, beautiful baby make us scream "no! i don't want it this way!" and wasn't it His humanness that cried to His Father 'if it is possible, let this cup pass from me' as He fell on His face in the garden of Gesthsemane?

i feel guilty. for so many years i sang that song at youth camps and disciple weekends that speaks of wanting to 'know Your face' and wanting to 'know You more'. could i have reached that point in my spiritual walk without having to give you up, Sydney? maybe, maybe not. more answers not allowed us yet. and we can make ourselves crazy trying to figure it all out. there seems to be no rhyme or reason why some mothers get to take a healthy newborn baby home and others have to leave with empty arms. the faithful? the faithless? believers or unbelieving? obedient? rebellious?

"For whatever reason, Jesus retreated into the wilderness for forty days to fast and pray. While he was there, he was tempted by Satan and found the strength to make some tough decisions. He also found clarity about God and what kind of person God wanted him to be." is this the purpose we are supposed to find in this tragedy? not a tragedy created by God, but allowed? the purpose not the reason for your absence but the result of? to figure out what God wants of us and want He wants us to be? to find clarity and strength?

my heart still hurts. it hurts for your mommy and for your daddy and for your big brother, precious Liam. our family will never be the same. it still seems cruel and unforgiving. i still don't find the joy i am supposed to feel in this experience. but as i examine the meaning of Lent and the fact that only through the dark days of suffering and retreat can we fully appreciate the beauty and hope of Easter, i AM hopeful that joy will come....some day.

i love you without even knowing you. and if you were here i would say to you the words i said to your mother when she was little, every night when i tucked her in her bed "i love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck. good night. sleep tight. see you in the morning light." and one day, i WILL see you in the morning light! i love you, Gram

thoughts on wednesday, february 6, 2008 (to be continued)

2008-02-04T20:05:00.000-08:00

Lent is a season of the Christian year when people are invited to simplify their lives to focus on their relationship with God in Christ.

Where does the concept of Lent come from?
At Jesus' baptism the sky split open, the Spirit of God, which looked like a dove, descended and landed on Jesus, and a voice from heaven said, "This is my Son, My Beloved, with whom I am pleased." Afterward, as told in Matthew 4:1-11, Jesus hiked into the wilderness. Maybe he needed some time with God to sort through the major changes happening in his life. Maybe he was searching for direction and answers. Maybe he needed to get away from family, friends and the familiar routine in order to see God, and himself, more clearly. For whatever reason, Jesus retreated into the wilderness for forty days to fast and pray. While he was there, he was tempted by Satan and found the strength to make some tough decisions. He also found clarity about God and what kind of person God wanted him to be.

What does Lent have to do with me?
It's pretty easy to get caught up in the drama of work, school, relationships, and family. Our lives are filled with distractions that take us away from living a life with Christ. We try to fill the emptiness inside us with mindless TV, meaningless chatter, stimulants, alcohol or other things. We run from silence because we're afraid of being alone with God. So, like Jesus, we need to take some serious time to pray and figure out where God is in our lives, and where God is calling us to serve. We need to re-focus our lives to be more in line with God.

The real beginning of Lent is Ash Wednesday.
Ash Wednesday usually begins with a service where we recognize our mortality, repent of our sins, and return to our Loving God. We recognize life as a precious gift from God, and re-turn our lives towards Jesus Christ. We may make resolutions and commit to change our lives over the next forty days so that we might be more like Christ. In an Ash Wednesday service, usually a minister or priest marks the sign of the cross on a person's forehead with ashes.

Why ashes?
In Jewish and Christian history, ashes are a sign of mortality and repentance. Mortality, because when we die, our bodies eventually decompose and we become dust/ dirt/ash/whatever. Repentance:, because long ago, when people felt remorse for something they did, they would put ashes on their head and wear "sackcloth" (scratchy clothing) to remind them that sin is pretty uncomfortable and leads to a sort of death of the spirit. This was their way of confessing their sins and asking for forgiveness.

Where do the ashes come from?
On what we now call Palm Sunday, Jesus rode a donkey into Jerusalem while people waved palms and cheered him on. Less then a week later, Jesus was killed. The palms that were waved in joy became ashes of sorrow. We get ashes for Ash Wednesday by saving the palms from Palm Sunday, burning them, and mixing them with a little water (like tears). It's symbolic.

What do Christians do with ashes?
At an Ash Wednesday service, folks are invited to come forward to receive the ashes. The minister will make a small cross on your forehead by smudging the ashes. While the ashes remind us of our mortality and sin, the cross reminds us of Jesus' resurrection (life after death) and forgiveness. It's a powerful, non-verbal way that we can experience God's forgiveness as we return to Jesus. (Sponsored by Upper Room Ministries)

Matthew 6.16-18
16 ... When you fast, do not put on a sad face as the hypocrites do. They neglect their appearance so that everyone will see that they are fasting. I assure you, they have already been paid in full. 17 When you go without food, wash your face and comb your hair, 18 so that others cannot know that you are fasting�only your Father, who is unseen, will know. And your Father, who sees what you do in private, will reward you.

What is Lent? (from "By Sun and Candlelight" Blog)
Lent is a season, a journey, a fast before the Feast ...
Lent is a time for lots of things ~ some personal, some communal, all beautiful when done with love.
Lent is ...
Six weeks to explore and embrace our Faith.
Forty days to make memories with our children.
A month and a half to grow closer to God.
Purple, where before there was green.
Something given up.
Something extra given.
Fasting on Ash Wednesday.
A crown of thorns to remind us of His suffering, a way to help ease His burden.
Pretzel-making with the children.
Special things to read, an extra devotion to practice.
A journal for thoughts on the journey.
Handmade Easter cards - making a few every day.
A nature walk on the Equinox, looking for signs of life.
A time to simplify and donate.A quiet sunrise - watching the growing light without, feeling it within.
Crocus appearing in the patchy snow, buds forming on branches, the barren earth turning green ...
The promise of Life after death.

"mad midnight moments"

2008-01-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

i still believe. but when i hear people speak of the joy of answered prayer, it seems to me that if i believe THAT, then that must mean that our family's prayers were NOT answered. but after all, aren't ALL prayers answered? aren't we taught that? i still pray. but my perspective is so different now. i pray with less faith. oh, not that the prayer WON'T be answered but all my prayers previously have been so hopeful and earnest and i SO believed in the power of prayer. that was before. now i understand. i can't pray anymore expecting. it is more of a half-hearted "well, God, i am praying for such-and-such but i know you already know what you're going to do with this so i'll just wait and see what happens". sigh. that said, consider the following.........

i picked up a little book by c. s. lewis entitled "grief observed". it is lewis' personal account of dealing with the grief he experienced over the death of his beloved wife. a respected theologian, lewis speaks honestly, bluntly and with many questions. his strong faith is obvious - but that doesn't preclude him from feelings of anger and hurt and confusion. he isn't ashamed nor is he embarassed to express his true feelings - page after page of strong words for millions of readers to experience. his intent was not to be a spiritual example of the correct way to deal with grief - it was just the sharing of his own "mad midnight moments".

in the forward, madeleine d'engle writes "perhaps all believing people feel, like lewis, a horror of those who say of any tragedy, "Thy will be done," as though a God of love never wills anything but good for us creatures. he shows impatience with those who try to pretend that death is unimportant for the believer, an impatience which most of us feel, no matter how strong our faith." mrs. d'engle experienced a loss of her own and, like lewis, kept a journal, saying "it is all right to wallow in one's journal; it is a way of getting rid of self-pity and self-indulgence and self-centeredness. what we work out in our journals we don't take out on family and friends. i am grateful to lewis for the honesty of his journal of grief, because it makes quite clear that the human being is allowed to grieve, that it is normal, it is right to grieve, and the christian is not denied this natural response to loss." she goes on to say that "lewis wrote 'don't talk to me about the consolation of religion, or i shall suspect that you do not understand; for the true consolations of religion are not rosy and cozy, but com-forting in the true meaning of that word: com-fort.... strength to go on living.' lewis rightly rejects those who piously tell him that his beloved is happy now, that she is at peace. we do not know what happens after death, but i suspect that all of us still have a great deal to learn and that learning is not necessarily easy."

d'engle continues "lewis had the courage to yell, to doubt and to kick at god with angry violence. this is a part of healthy grief that is not often encouraged. it is helpful that c.s. lewis, who has been such a successful apologist for christianity, should have the courage to admit doubt about what he has so superbly proclaimed. it gives us permission to admit our own doubts, our own angers and anguishes, and to know that they are part of the soul's growth."

in the introduction, lewis' step-son writes "this book is a passionate result of a brave man turning to face his agony and examine it in order that he might further understand what is required of us in living this life in which we have to expect the pain and sorrow of the loss of those whom we love. very few men could have written this book, and even fewer men would have published it. it is also a stark recounting of one man's attempts to come to grips with and in the end DEFEAT the emotional paralysis of the most shattering grief of his life."

lewis writes "no one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. i am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. the same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. at other times it feels like being mildly drunk or concussed. there is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. i find it hard to take in what anyone says....i almost prefer the moments of agony. these are at least clean and honest. but the bath of self-pitty, the wallow, the loathsome sticky-sweet pleasure of indulging it - that disgusts me. and even while i'm doing it i know it leads me to misrepresent my beloved herself......meanwhile, where is God? this is one of the most disquieting symptoms. when you are happy, so happy that you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel his claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be - or so it feels - welcomed with open arms. but go to Him when your need is desperate, when other help is in vain and what do you find? a door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. after that, silence. you may as well turn away. the longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become. why is He so present a commander in our time of prosperity and so very absent a help in time of trouble?.......we are reminded that the same thing seems to have happened to Christ on the cross but does that make it easier to understand? the conclusion i dread is not "so there's no God after all" but "so this is what God's really like. deceive yourself no longer."

and Lewis' stepson concludes "in the end, what shines through the last pages of his journal of grief is an affirmation of love, his love for his wife and hers for him, and that love is in the context of God's love.....what many of us discover in this outpouring of anguish is that we know EXACTLY what he is talking about. those of us who have walked this same path, or are walking it as we read this book, find that we are not, after all, as alone as we thought. c.s. lewis, the writer of so much that is so clear and so right, the thinker whose acuity of mind and clarity of expression enabled us to understand so much, this strong and determined Christian, he too fell headlong into the vortex of whirling thoughts and feelings and dizzily groped for support and guidance deep in the dark chasm of grief. if we find no comfort in the world around us, and no solace when we cry to God, if it does nothing else for us, at least this book will help us to face our grief, and to 'misunderstand a little less completely."

C. S. Lewis "Grief Observed" Zondervan Publishing House

amazing! grace!

2008-01-28T14:22:00.000-08:00

When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."

I'm whispering "I was lost. Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride.

I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong.

I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success.

I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect.

My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches. So, I call upon His name.

When I say "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou;

I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace somehow.

(Unknown)

read it again....

2008-01-27T20:00:00.001-08:00

see january 10th post.

tick-tock....

2008-01-26T21:38:00.000-08:00

can i just say i'm trying really hard to be positive and not be too open with my feelings. we'll see how long this lasts.

don't drink from the tank.....

2008-01-14T18:22:00.000-08:00

"As for you, my brothers and sisters, who have not to preach, the best food for you is the Word of God itself. Sermons and books are well enough, but streams that run for a long distance above ground gradually gather for themselves somewhat of the soil through which they flow, and they lose the cool freshness with which they started from the spring head. Truth is sweetest where it breaks from the smitten Rock, for at its first gush it has lost none of its heavenliness and vitality. It is always best to drink at the well and not from the tank. You shall find that reading the Word of God for yourselves, reading it rather than notes upon it, is the surest way of growing in grace. Drink of the unadulterated milk of the Word of God, and not of the skim milk, or the milk and water of man's word." (Charles Spurgeon)

isn't this the most beautiful truth-prose? i italicized the parts that i think are the most poetic! i LOVE this quote. now THIS is what growth is all about!

true love waits.....

2008-01-11T19:41:00.000-08:00

what a blessing to be able to express your deepest emotions and feelings as you grieve. what a blessing to have the ability to show your vulnerability and honesty in front of the whole world.

what a blessing not to feel judged.

anyone who has studied the grieving process is aware of the stages of grief that everyone must pass through. the anger, bitterness, questioning and frustration are all part of it. yes, there are some who have the ability to hide behind a plastic smile in an attempt to convince all who approach that everything is fine. i'm fine. really. there are others who have had such an upbringing that their questions are but an aside to how they are viewing the tragic event they are experiencing - they have confidence and knowledge and a complete understanding of the workings of God. they memorize scripture and read the bible fervently every day. they KNOW how to find joy even in the most desperate of circumstances. and then there are those who struggle to understand and find joy but because they claim Him and His promises, they don't give up the struggle. eventually they become stronger and more faithful and more obedient.

i am so glad our God understands the depths of our grief. i am so grateful that He knows where we come from and where we are and that He loves us right there. i am so glad He is big enough to take whatever we dish out. i am so glad He doesn't judge our anger and bitterness and even our questions. i am so grateful He just waits. patiently. for our return to what we KNOW to be the truth and what we KNOW to be our hope.

people don't know what to say. sometimes, they say the wrong things. more times than not they say the right things. the knowing ones simply say i am sorry. they don't offer platitudes or triteness. they just say they care and love and pray. i am so grateful for the presence of these people, some strangers, in our lives.

we can only be who we are. we aren't prolific in our prose or profound in our understanding. we have nothing to offer anyone else in this journey. sorry. we are still learning. and growing.

and God still waits on us. for that i am grateful.

Jesus loves her this I know........

2008-01-10T20:29:00.000-08:00

Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to grey
As the little one slips away
You’re holding her hand, you’re straining for words
You’re trying to make sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you
Just love her like Jesus, carry her to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for her just as He cares for you
So love her like Jesus, love her like Jesus
You don’t need the answers to all of life’s questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus
("Love Them Like Jesus" by Casting Crowns)

"deliver me and fill my spirit..."

2008-01-09T16:43:00.000-08:00

so, sorry for the momentary lapse into political cynicism. i really thought she would lose the new hampshire primary. but guess what, right now, all of that which used to catch my attention and hold me captive to CNN seems rather meaningless.

i have so many thoughts going around in my head right now. i am so fortunate to have very good friends, 3 of whom were willing to sit with me for 3 hours on two different occasions and discuss theology, spirituality, churchianity, heaven, etc. and etc.

i mentioned that i feel so unprotected now. and then i think to myself, why did i EVER feel protected? why did i think our family was immune from tragedy? is it because i have always prayed expectantly? is it because as i prayed for safe travel for our kids when they were in college or living across the country there has never been an incident? is it because as i prayed for comfort and peace for a family member or friend it ALWAYS seemed to be delivered? is it because i prayed with a faithful, believing spirit and then went about my business, letting God just work on it? when my kids needed prayer during particularly stressful times, i always told them "i'll pray HARD". did i not pray HARD enough this time?

our entire family has been praying for this baby. because our daughter experienced a partial abruption with her first, Liam now 3, this time we just simply prayed BELIEVING that everything would work out. the thought NEVER entered my mind that it would turn out like it has. we watched alyssa be so careful and her sweet husband take SUCH GOOD CARE OF HER - doting on her and making sure she didn't neglect any part of her physical or emotional health during the pregnancy.

so, have our prayers been offered in the wrong spirit? have we been arrogant in our belief? naive in our expectations? while we know that suffering is dealt to believers and non-believers. good people and bad people. faithful and not so faithful. and i really do understand now that our suffering really does make us perfect in Him - and that He suffers with us and that our how we deal with our suffering will either glorify Him (for which He will be pleased) or that we will just muddle through (for which He will be sad) and that we are called to share His suffering by suffering ourselves......

.....and so on and so on. I KNOW THESE THINGS.

.....what we can't EVER know is why. we can't know why one family gets to experience the joy and excitement of a new baby while our daughter and her family grieves their sweet little girl. we can't know why blogspot after blogspot celebrates the arrival of a healthy little one with a joyful "we have prayed for this baby" and "You answered our prayers" while other sites offer evidence of the same intense prayer and hope for miracles only to be allowed only minutes or hours with their babies before they return to the arms of Jesus.

.....one of Alyssa's friends visited me at church today. she and alyssa shared the same due date. her first child is almost 2 and is developmentally delayed due to contracting meningitis during her birth. the baby that she is carrying now is such a blessing and will bring so much joy to this family. when she approached me we both began to cry. tears for sydney grace who will only know Heaven as her home. tears for sweet ella who struggles to keep up with other toddlers who are doing things so much quicker than she is able. tears for little william who will be here in two weeks. and tears for alyssa whose heart is broken but who desperatly wants to feel joy for her friend. and tears for andrea who feels so much joy for the baby who is almost here but whose heart is hurting for alyssa.

i just read a comment from a young mother who lost her baby several months ago; i've followed their story even before the baby was born. i can't do her recent post justice by trying to paraphrase it or extract pieces of it. please go to this site and read it for yourself. it is powerful. it is amazing. and it gives me such hope for my daughter. thank you boothe.

http://conorbootheandgirls.blogspot.com/

...and...

2008-01-07T15:32:00.001-08:00

....a new link "our sydney grace" (links are on the right hand side middle of the page)....

2008-01-05T07:51:00.001-08:00

ok, so my heart just drove down the street. all three of them. they packed late last night and after two weeks of three-year-old bedtime tantrums, playful bath times, thomas the tank train running down the hall and into the living room, picking favorite ornaments off the tree and carrying them around in the trunk of the trike, curious george movies early in the morning with gram before anyone else is up, walks around the block, planting and watering flowers, filling the birdfeeder with granpa, making "dough" with flour, water, cinnamon, chili powder, cumin, garlic salt and then calling it apple pie, making biscuits with granpa on saturday mornings, jumping on gram's bed when she pretended not to look, driving to plano to look at cmas lights that dance to music and then just wanting to come back to the "hood" and watch the simple little train go round and round in a neighbor's yard......

....i could go on and on. now the house is clean and quiet. the only sound is the tick of the wall clock - so loud it hurts my ears. it will be a long time before they come back. we will get out there occasionally but the intensity of two weeks makes their leaving even more difficult.

i know the healing has already begun and i know our daughter is strong and determined underneath her confusion and questioning. i know her spirit is strong even though it feels weak right now. i know her God will take care of her, even though we don't know what that looks like or what that portends.

hearts hurt. hearts break.

and hearts drive out of the driveway and down the highway at 9:30 in the morning.

Godspeed. And keep you safe.

pain returned accompanied with receipt......

2008-01-03T15:34:00.000-08:00

so, they are still here - one more day. so today while liam napped, i went out to make some returns. popped in my robbie seay NEW cd and off i went. went to radio shack, tom thumb and target. then on to the hallmark shop. but there was a sign on the door that read "seasonal merchandise: NO RETURNS OR EXCHANGES after the holiday". hmmm......surely there were exceptions.

i walked into the store and asked a young clerk about the sign. yep, she said, it was correct. i looked at a rather bustly (bustly not busty), business-looking woman with a terse expression and no smile. yes mam, she assured me, no exchanges or returns on seasonal merchandise. "ornaments?" i asked. for sure ornaments, she curtly replied. "no exceptions" i pleaded. she shook her head and firmly repeated "no.".

i turned and stood still, my hand on the door handle for a few minutes, peering out the window into the bright sunlight. then i opened the door and walked out. i was half-way across the parking lot when i stopped, turned and walked back toward the shop. i opened the door once again, walked over to the counter and laid the bag of merchandise down next to the cash register. the woman looked up at me with a "oh-no-surely-she-g0t-the-memo" look.

tears began to spill down my cheeks behind my sunglasses. my voice was barely understandable as i pushed the bag toward her and said "you can have them. my daughter lost her baby and i don't want them any more. you can have them." and i turned and walked out of the store. the woman just stood there, speechless.

on christmas, my daughter hung her own ornament for sydney grace. she desperately wanted some reminders, as painful as they were, this holiday. after all, sydney is a part of their family. so a few days before christmas i had carefully selected a mother/daughter willowcreek ornament and then a delicate hallmark white fabric baby bassinet ornament. but the more i thought about it the less i was sure that i could actually give it to her on christmas morning. i didn't want to be the one who made her cry. there were others who could do that - the joyfully pregnant friend, the newborn baby at the christmas party proudly handed from guest to guest, the pink bundle in the basket next to hers at the store. there would be so many. but by golly, i wasn't going to be one of them. not her mom.

so i just took my pain and returned it along with the receipt to someone who right now is more concerned with inventory and sales and profit and losses. losses. i'm sure she didn't get it.

it just is......

2008-01-01T12:26:00.000-08:00

i've got that knot in my stomach again. alyssa and ian decided to stay over a few days. of course, we were thrilled! didn't have to say goodbye quite so soon. they went to austin to visit chris and jenny and we got to keep liam! we went to look at christmas lights last night and it was spectacular! he has had a cold so we've been laying low during the day.

but the know, i know, comes from the anticipation of them leaving. this holiday season was so different and sad for us. there is a part of me who wants to keep them here - keep alyssa here and take care of her and ian and liam and i guess avoid the return for them to reality. for i know when they return home to albuquerque and all the holiday distractions and busyness comes to an abrupt halt, it will be so much harder. i can remember every holiday season feeling a letdown during the month of january. the end of this january we were all looking forward to welcoming a new member of the family and it is not to be. it will be that much harder for her.

i am so grateful that alyssa has good friends who will walk right beside her and hold her hand and cry and laugh with her. i know they will take care of her and liam, especially if ian goes back on the road. i am so grateful that she has a church family who is praying for her and a bible study that consists of a group of young women who will pray her forward. i know it is oh so hard watching friends and family members approach due dates with their own pregnancies; while she doesn't at all deny them the joy of a new baby, it is still extremely difficult to observe and remember and long for.

i also know that i can't keep her here because she has to return to life; she has to return to being a wife to ian and a mother to liam. she has to return to changing the cat litter and potty-training a strong-willed three year-old. she has to return to long days with lots of hours to think. i pray that she finds comfort in her faith. i pray that her friends don't neglect her and don't assume that all is well so quickly. i pray that she finds something worthwhile and positive to do with the empty days; i pray that sleep comes to her more easily as time goes on. i pray that she doesn't give up hope and that the doctors will find ways to encourage her and even acknowledge that down the road not too far there is a possibility of another baby.

i HAVE to pray for my daughter; i always have. i can't let her down. and what i've come to understand is that i have always prayed for God's will to be done even if it is not OUR will. now that we have experienced such a deep wound, even though i still have questions and confusion, i guess i can't question His will. we just can't know why it is what it is. it just is.

i pray for such healing for her. on my knees i ask God to surprise her with His grace.

somewhere between here and nashville.....

2007-12-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

i received a christmas card from a good friend, jeff berry. he has had his share of trials and tribulations. he is a very talented musician and awesome worship leader. i've often told him that when i come to church his music feeds my soul and the few words he speaks in between songs is all the sermon i need. he now lives in nashville with his wife and 2 boys. i was glad to get the card with a new address for them. i tucked one of our cards in an envelope and addressed it and on the back wrote "i miss you. i am in need of your worship". it is somewhere between dallas and nashville as i type this.

i've been going to church as much as i can. i have to make myself go. i usually cry a lot during worship and do really well when people come up to me and ask about our daughter but usually cannot stop the tears when i respond. i'm not uncomfortable crying. it make make others feel a little awkward, like they've opened up a wound but it isn't like that. the words of caring people are like salve in a wound that is slowly closing.

so i'm in church today and the worship leader is moving from song to song and i'm loping along singing through my tears and trying to believe the words i'm singing. then, the words appear on the "jumbotron" and the piano and guitar begin to play one of my favorite jeff berry songs
"you are God alone...." i've sung it many times before but this time it touched my heart far more deeply. i couldn't believe it. then, when the service was over and the band members had put down their instruments and turned on a cd it was the voice of jeff berry singing "you are God alone." i stopped in my tracks and just had to listen.

and i remembered the christmas card that was on its way to nashville with the note scribbled on the back "i NEED your worship".

He surely knew my thoughts and my desires before Jeff Berry put his hands on that card.

i wish it was soon.er.

2007-12-28T10:19:00.001-08:00

i was just saying this to myself. self, it seems that the only ones who receive comfort or encouragement are those who speak the lingo. by that i mean christianeeze. what i call God Talk. it almost seems like lala land when people experience such painful tragedies and seem to be able to "find joy in ALL circumstances" etc. i know we are supposed to. but don't look here yet for that person. i apologize to my daughter for not being that mother right now who prayed her through so much of her life experiences. i can't be that person who inspires and is an example and speaks of love relating to her baby girl's death. i'm so sorry for that. and it seems that only those people who have it all together in that regard receive prayers and encouragement and support. i was just saying all of that to myself.

and then i came to my blog and found a comment from the sister of a friend. actually, my son and daughter's friend. one day i said to my son, "do you know who i think is probably the genuinely NICEST person i've ever met? now this question was asked in the car going somewhere unrelated and the question was asked out of the freaking blue. my son didn't hesitate and he said "shawn davis". i almost fell out of the passenger side of the car! how could he have been on exactly the same page as me? that was exactly who i was referring to. this guy i hardly know but he always asks about our kids and he always has this huge grin on his face. he ALWAYS stops and inquires about our family as if he is TRULY interested. we both work in a church and sometimes churchianity requires the casual, routine "how are you?" (sometimes i just want to answer with the truth and watch the reaction it receives!).

so when i came to the blog today, not even intending to create a new post, there was that "1 comment". and it was from someone my daughter and i have never met and don't know - shawn's sister. niceity must run in the family.

it lifted me up today. i am a worried mom. moms always worry and i can tell you that when your kids are grown and have families of their own you STILL worry about and for them. i don't know how to act. i don't want to be so sad that it makes it worse for my daughter. i don't want to be so up that it is fake and ignores the sadness we all are feeling. i DEFINITELY don't want to say goodbye to them next week and give up the little joy that has been living and eating and sleeping in our house for the last week - a three-year-old little boy who has tantrums, gives good hugs and kisses, curls up tight against me while i read bedtime books and make up songs about what we've done all day to the tune of "the farmer in the dell". the enthusiastic little boy who wanted santa to bring him a spiderman tent/tunnel and who ended up playing instead in a tunnel of boxes connected by duct tape with mail slots cut in the side and a shower radio taped to the inside.

i want to believe that my daughter can some day sleep without meds and can have other things swimming around in her head besides the images that haunt her 24/7. i know my daughter is blessed with the best husband to help her through this. i hope i can somehow call on the images i have of how, after she and i had a tearful lunch/shopping afternoon, when we walked in the door he made her smile and laugh and forget for just a little. he is good for her.

maybe i'm not right now. maybe i'm too tender and my heart is too too. you know, too too. she doesn't want my faith to diminish. she doesn't want our family life and holidays and experiences to be full of bitterness and anger and hurt because of sydney. while things will never be the same for our family, i think they will be ok. someday. i wish it was soon. er.

we know God is still there. we don't feel Him mostly. we don't hear Him mostly. we certainly don't understand Him. but He must have used olivia to try and reach me today.

please don't give up on me. i'm just a worried, sad mom.

no one does...

2007-12-26T12:43:00.000-08:00

my daughter doesn't deserve this. i know, no one does. but my daughter doesn't deserve this. she did everything she could to ensure that this pregnancy would be a good one. gestational diabetis? she stuck strickly to the diabetic diet. she checked her blood sugar religiously. painful finger pricks several times a day. she took snacks wherever she went just in case. after her first pregnancy resulted in a partial abruption (liam yrs old now) the doctors found she had a genetic abnormality - five leiden factor - affecting blood clotting. not to worry. after icing down the selected spot to make it numb, she stuck a needle into her stomach every day leaving bruises and blood blisters but making sure the heparin went into the uterus to protect the placenta. my god, she tried so hard to take care of her little girl. the first girl on her husband's side of the family in sixty years! she saw a high-risk doctor every month as well as her regular OB. she had ultrasounds regularly detecting nothing out of the ordinary. she called both doctors whenever she felt the slightest pain or discomfort only to be assured everything was fine. 2 days before the abruption, she saw the high-risk doctor and had an ultrasound that showed an active, healthy baby. 2 days later it was over. my daughter doesn't deserve this. i know, no one does. but my daughter doesn't deserve this.

an angel told her so......

2007-12-26T07:44:00.000-08:00

you know, mary and joseph had it easy. i mean, when an angel shows up and starts talking to you, you KNOW you believe. when mary misses her "monthly visitor" and KNOWS she hasn't been with a man, you KNOW you believe. not to say there aren't difficulties along the way, but man, their faith must have been unwavering.

it seems to me it would be easier to accept things if you don't believe God is in complete control. that doesn't mean you don't believe - but if God isn't in complete control and circumstances just happen, then there don't have to be questions. there doesn't have to be "explain this to me so i understand" please. it is simply you-know-what happens and there it is. move on. maybe it's just in the afterwards that He works in us. maybe he doesn't allow or not allow things - they just happen. then we have to figure out what to do with it all.

watching my daughter cry and holding her hand and laying beside her in bed christmas morning is something that no one can explain unless you've been there. she is brave and puts on a brave face a lot of the time - but it is agony for her and it takes every bit of strength she has to pull it off. she wonders how she can be so obsessed with something that is gone forever when she has a precious three-year-old who should have her complete attention. she is a wonderful mother and her little boy loves her dearly and he'll be fine through this. but right now, only 3 weeks down the road, she is still raw and bruised and crushed.

i wish those things that happened in biblical times would happen again. for her. i wish an angel would come to her and she would hear a soft voice that explains to her what in the heck is going on and if she could have hope for the future. i don't know enough to know if mary knew what her Son would face thirty-something years down the road - she just knew He would be Special.

because an angel told her so.

baby in a basket.....

2007-12-22T09:14:00.000-08:00

i really have nothing worthwhile to say right now. we put the tree up for liam and are trying to get some lights outside for him as well. my heart just isn't in it. i have been going to work and trying to stay busy - staying up late at night so sleep will come quickly when i finally lay my head down. it just doesn't make sense and is so unfair. i look at other young women whose babies are due and see their excitement and their joy and their plans and all i can think of is my sweet daughter and her family and the unbearable pain they are experiencing. i contrast the experience of women who knew mid-way through their pregnancies that the outcome would be devastating. several months of grieving, anger and confusion don't make letting go any easier when the time finally comes to say goodbye but at least they had time to prepare. or not prepare. i can't fathom this for my daughter. christmas will just be something to get through this year. liam will make us laugh and will make us happy at times. but we'll still just be getting through. i can't pray right now because i know my prayers don't change God's mind. everything is up to Him and out of our control.

i want a baby in a basket on my daughter's doorstep. she has such a heart. dreams. heartache.

Jumping in the pool......

2007-12-09T06:53:00.000-08:00

during the last year i have been reading blogs of young women i've never met and probably never will. my daughter's friend had a baby that developed meningitis immediately after birth and as a result suffered some brain damage and cerebral palsy. the baby was very sick and we were so grateful when God brought her through the crisis; i have followed her progress daily. but then i saw the link for elliot and from that claire and from that all the others, jonathan, poppy, miller grace and more. i checked every day on the progress of the babies who survived even for just a short time and on the mothers whose babies were still safely snugged inside the womb even for a short time.

a couple of weeks ago late one night i admitted to myself that it was strange that i felt so connected to these women my daughter's age. i almost laughed at the thought that there was some unknown reason i felt the pull to these sites. i even said to myself wouldn't it be weird if for some strange reason there WAS a reason i was filling up on the words of these struggling, hopeful, despairing, faithful families.

when my daughter lost her baby last week i would hardly accept the fact that surely God had placed me in front of my laptop so that He could fill me with His promises, His comfort and His grace. often while reading i had been in awe of the strength of these mothers - the words they typed that revealed a deep spirituality and Christian understanding of their journey. not without some anger or doubts, of course. just raw honest grieving.

several readers as well as the moms themselves have commented on my daughter's blog. they have emailed me. they, who are members of one of the most devastating mom's club, even in the midst of recent grief, have reached out to my daughter in her grief. the day after poppy's burial, there was angie commented to my daughter, comforting, lifting her up in prayer. selflessly.

i've tried to explain to those who don't even know what a blog is just how meaningful it is to be a part of a community of women who are strangers in some ways, but sisters in others. i've tried to explain just how important it is to have the support and prayers of these who have walked the same path - even those we've never met.

there is one blog i've just come across and the title of the blog is "the ripple effect". i think that pretty much sums up how God works through this new technology. i have seen how the ripples of this sad, hopeful pond of murky water reach further and further, the circles getting bigger and bigger pulling in those who might even be reading out of curiosity or just with a compassionate heart. and i've seen how He clears the waters with His grace and love and comfort.

blessed be your name?

2007-12-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

so, if God allows our suffering so that we will draw closer to Him, how much suffering is enough? if we don't get it and continue to stay far from him, does He continue to allow suffering into our life? if we get it and begin to know that intimacy, is our suffering over? i know some people who are the most spiritual, most holy people who are so close to Him that a breath of air can't pass between them. they don't seem to have suffering. so is that the answer? if i pray for my grown children to know Him more, does that mean i am condemning them to some horrible suffering that would once again rip at my heart? when i sand "i want to know you more" years ago, but didn't, was that when God said "i'll help you know me more but it's going to hurt like hell"? if i don't desire that intimacy, if i live my live without wanting to know Him better, does mean that God will leave me alone? i ask these questions for my daughter without her knowledge.

blessed be your name on a road marked with suffering there's pain in the offering blessed be your name...

2007-12-06T23:52:00.000-08:00

i will post emails i have been sending during this last week as we said goodbye to our granddaughter, born 2 months early due to our daughter's placenta abruption. in 4 short minutes at 30 and 1/2 weeks gestation, Sydney Grace fell asleep inside her mother's womb and woke in the arms of Jesus. i can hardly believe i've just typed those words; it has truly been a nightmare from which we can't awake. our daughter and her husband are broken, despairing, confused and questioning. just today the personalized christmas ornaments arrived in the mail - one for Liam (3) and one for Sydney Grace. cruel. had i known, i would have chased the mailman down the street and ripped the mailbag from his shoulder and heaved it as far into the arroyo as i could. they are desperately trying to hold onto their faith. they are trying to really feel jesus' presence; sometimes they can't. i assure them he is still there. it is 2am. our daughter has been given meds to help her sleep; if i stay up very late, when i crawl into bed i am more likely to fall asleep quickly. we are trying to keep the thoughts of Sydney and the dreams for her from haunting us at night. i have nothing else to say.